Many of you are curious about female led relationships. Lifestyle FLR is a popular concept in BDSM porn but how does it work in real relationships? Listen to The Weekly Hot Spot podcast episode on Female Led Relationship Coaching and/or read the transcript here.
Ms Olivia: “Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot where kink meets conversation. In each episode, we explore the psychology of power exchange, share our experiences in real-world BDSM dynamics and offer insight into the art of how we do Distance Domination.
I’m Mistress Olivia here with my friend, Ms Erika, and we get a lot of questions about FLR, female-led relationships. Let’s start off with the basic definition of FLR, because I think some people might not really know what that is or have a misconception of what it is.”
Definition of FLR: Female Led Relationships
Ms Erika: “Everybody’s familiar with the Western culture patriarchal situation where the man is the leader. Let’s flip that script, right? The woman takes the primary leadership role. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexy or kinky. She leads, she makes most of the key decisions, perhaps with input from her partner. And she sets the direction while the man assumes a more supportive role and sometimes even submissive role.
Ms Olivia: “Now, remember, folks, it’s not one size fits all. Okay? And Ms Erika made a great point. It doesn’t have to be kinky, but obviously, since we’re a kink podcast, we do kind of like the kink of it. But, it doesn’t have to be erotic or sexual.”
YOUR female led relationship will be unique
Ms Olivia: “Remember, you and your desires and/or your relationship, it’s personal, it’s private, it’s unique. So depending on what you want from the dynamic, there are all kinds of different things that you can do.
There are different levels of control. So Ms Erika talked about flipping that script, right? You can have low control, moderate control, defined control, and then (in rare cases) extreme control. So low control is where you just kind of aim for equality. And he kind of steps aside and says, yes, why don’t you handle that? Or he doesn’t fight her.”
Ms Erika: “Right. He defers to her.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes, he defers to her. How would you define moderate control?
Levels of control in a FLR
Ms Erika: “It’s not extreme. It’s not low. It’s kind of in the middle. Well, and again, it depends on the couple, right?
So she may delegate specific tasks to him. And those tasks can be across the board, masculine or traditionally feminine, but because of the control factor, there starts to be a little bit more of a ‘you need to please me’ type thing. This is your task. I am in control. You defy my control. We’re going to have to deal with that.
And then you go to more extreme control where she dictates everything. Maybe your wardrobe, maybe when you, well, actually, we always determine when we have sex. Wait, that was a bad example.”
Ms Olivia: “That was a very bad example.”
Ms Erika: “That was a bad example. Yes. So, in moderate or even more control, she may even say, your career is not optimal for our situation. I need you to find some place closer to where we live versus further away. I need you to find something where you can work weekends or whatever the case may be. She has more control in your daily life, right?”
Ms Olivia: “It’s very much how life is for men. Some men, not all men, but some men.”
Ms Erika: “Right. Right.”
What does control in a relationship really mean?
Ms Olivia: “And I have to tell you, no wonder they don’t want to dismantle the patriarchy. It’s fucking fabulous.
When we say, the woman is in control. It’s not in control of where you would like to go to dinner.”
Ms Erika: “Right.”
Ms Olivia: “I don’t really care, by and large. But it’s in control of the things that matter. Sexually and outside of sex.”
Ms Erika: “Absolutely.”
Ms Olivia: “So this, because it’s a relationship, it’s way more than, like, fuck buddies or something. It’s hard to do a female-led relationship if it’s a booty call.”
Ms Erika: “Yes, absolutely.”
Listener Q&A: one person wants FLR, the other person is vanilla
Ms Olivia: “We’ve got a bunch of questions from people, let’s dive in.
The single most common question. How do I bring up female-led relationships to my vanilla partner without freaking her out?”
Ms Erika: “That is the challenge. Even with something a little more innocuous than full-blown domination and submission, it is still a challenge.
So first of all, I have to answer that by saying, do you have the right partner to have that dynamic? There are women that love to be submissive, not necessarily sexually, but hey, I don’t want to have to deal with finances. I don’t want to have to deal with taking care of the car. So if you have a very submissive female, that is going to be a bigger challenge, right?”
Personal story about trying to be submissive
Ms Olivia: “Did you ever try to do that, be more submissive in a relationship?”
Ms Erika: “I feel like I have bugs crawling all over me 24/7. If I do not have my finger on the pulse. I want to be in control.”
Ms Olivia: “Even when you were in your 20s?”
Ms Erika: “More or less. Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “Wow.”
Ms Erika: “I have been like that for a long time.”
Ms Olivia: “That’s the difference. You absolutely have. I really tried to be kind of what society said. Now, this was really great in a lot of ways because it’s why I got into being a cook.”
Ms Erika: “Mm-hmm.”
Ms Olivia: “I bought into the whole thing, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And I started out that way. But then I quickly figured out, I actually don’t care about that necessarily. I just like cooking. So it became like a creative, artistic sort of a thing.”
Ms Erika: “Right. Right.”
Ms Olivia: “But I had to kind of work my way out of that mindset. And I didn’t realize that wasn’t for me until I got on the other side. Does that make sense?”
Ms Erika: “Yes. You didn’t understand that uneasy feeling until you realized what that uneasy feeling was. Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
What if my wife isn’t naturally dominant?
Ms Olivia: “Well, so that’s a common question. What if she tries to lead, but she’s not naturally dominant? Now, if she’s like me, she’s naturally dominant, but she just needs permission to be her natural self.”
Ms Erika: “Absolutely. And that’s where you as her partner need to lean in. So any move toward taking more control or taking more of a leadership stance has to be met with praise and adoration from you to encourage it.”
Ms Olivia: “And that’s a great point. If she tries to exert her control, don’t block it.”
Ms Erika: “Don’t say, ‘Well, that’s not how you’re supposed to do it. This is how I want you to do it.’ That’s the biggest thing about male submission or even in a female-led relationship.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
Ms Erika: “She is not going to behave like your fantasy. You have to be prepared for that. You have to be able to open your mind and your eyes to see the beauty in her transformation and her growth, however she deems it needed to roll out. Not you, darling.”
Ms Olivia: “Both parties need to grow.”
Ms Erika: “Yes. Absolutely.”
Does FLR always need to be 24/7?
Ms Olivia: “That’s the part of this question right here. Is this just a bedroom kink or are we talking about a 24/7 lifestyle?
Now, you and I have done a podcast episode on why we take a stand against the 24/7 FLR, female-led relationship lifestyle. And I personally, oh, I don’t want to pick out somebody’s clothes all the time. Come on. It can get burdensome, unless, now I know some people that really love that minutia of controlling somebody else.”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “I’m not that way. I want someone who is a partner who is sexually submissive, more than someone who is like, ‘Oh, tell me every step of the way.'”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “And I like some emotional submissiveness as well, but that is in terms of training and growth and coaching. So I guess I’m kind of in the middle. It’s not just the bedroom kink, but it’s definitely not the 24/7 lifestyle. What about you?”
Ms Erika: “I’m very, very similar. I’ve said it before, I like a man on the street and a sub in the sheets.”
Ms Olivia: “There you go.”
Ms Erika: “Not that a submissive male is not a man. It was just a joke and a turn of phrase of the ‘a woman on the streets and a slut in the sheets’ what guys usually want. So I flipped that script. But I tend to be in relationships where he defers to me more than not. Not that I’m being necessarily dominant. I just have really fun ideas and I give really great rewards. So it behooves you to lean into what I want.”
Ms Olivia: “I’ve said that before. I never knew I was sexually dominant. I just thought that I always wanted to be in charge because I had better ideas.”
Ms Erika: “Yes. Mm-hmm.”
Ms Olivia: “Who knew this was a thing?”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Emotional benefits to having a woman in charge
Ms Olivia: “I think part of this is both parties kind of need to look at their internal motivations. What does she want? What does the partner want?
I think for a lot of people, it can be a relief from traditional male pressures. Sometimes men are not fans of the patriarchy because the role they’re stuck in is very limiting. And I feel bad for them for that.”
Ms Erika: “Yes, it’s very challenging too. And think about it in a female-led relationship. Not only is she setting the tone of everyday life, where you’re going to live, what car you’re going to drive, all those things. What are you going to have for dinner? What are you going to cook for dinner?
But it’s also that availability that in a female-led relationship, she’s going to want that emotional connection. She’s going to want your emotional vulnerability. And in some way, maybe a small way, this is a way to your submission or submitting to those emotions and having that permission to feel.”
Deeper emotional connections
Ms Olivia: “And that deeper emotional connection, wow, that vulnerability, oh, you want to talk about intimacy. And here’s a secret about women, including dominant women.”
When you are vulnerable and that intimacy ratchets up, oh, I’ll speak for myself. My pussy gets fucking wet. Like that is foreplay. Yeah.”
Ms Erika: “It is. Absolutely. It is such a treat and an honor. And I just love being a part of it. I feel so much pride. And the fact that I had a part in it, you’re right, is very exciting.”
Ms Olivia: “I think this also is part of the personal growth that is required for somebody to be a submissive or to submit. And exploring different aspects of their masculinity, listen, that’s going to require some personal growth.”
Ms Erika: “Yes. Absolutely. It is. Men can be very nurturing. A lot of men want to be nurturing, but they’re caged. Unlike a chastity cage, they’re caged by society’s expectations.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes. I am really lucky. I have people in my life who are strong, powerful, intelligent, creative men who are also submissive. And just fucking amazing people. I just feel so taken care of without being talked down to.”
Ms Erika: “Oh, yes. Beautiful.”
Myth about lifestyle kink
Ms Olivia: “So there’s this myth of total control. That’s the 24/7 lifestyle label. And this is one of the reasons why you and I don’t like it. Where the sub has no responsibility in the relationship.”
Ms Erika: “And I think that sometimes is an unfortunate misconception by some who are looking at submission and go, wait a minute, this is my free ticket out of responsibilities.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
Ms Erika: “Nope, it’s the exact opposite. We are both responsible for this relationship. We are both responsible for what happens. And in some ways, your responsibilities may shift, but they’re still there.”
Ms Olivia: “Absolutely. And this is not just a kind of life responsibility, but you’re also responsible for trying to figure it out and then trying to communicate your own sexual desires. Think about what you want.”
What kind of D/s or kink relationship do you want?
Ms Olivia: “For example, if it’s primarily sexual submission, do you want her to do your kink? Is it all about you or about her?”
If it’s all her and you have no say, that’s not sustainable. If it’s all, ‘I want her to be my Mistress the way I want her to be my Mistress,’ that’s a different sort of situation, right?”
Ms Erika: “Yes, absolutely.”
Ms Olivia: “That’s a pro Domme. Go to a pro Domme.”
Ms Erika: “Perfectly said.”
Ms Olivia: “Or call us.”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “Okay. And we’re fine with that. Absolutely fine with that. This is part of our role. But it’s very different from a female-led relationship.”
Ms Erika: “Absolutely. Absolutely.”
Getting what you want without topping from the bottom
Ms Olivia: “So I’ve got this question from a listener who asks, how do I stop topping from the bottom and still get her to do what I want?”
Ms Erika: “Somebody’s not paying attention.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
Ms Erika: “Somebody’s thinking, ‘I know, I’ll say I’m submissive and then she’ll have to do the naughty things that I want her to do.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes. We actually did a whole podcast about that. A sissy wanted her wife to be exactly like a Pro Domme or Femdom Mistress.”
Ms Erika: “Yeah, we need to go back to 101, darling. Because here’s the thing. You may or may not get what you want out of your submission regarding your kink. But if you’re going to be submissive, then you have to lean into what she wants. And if you think about the dynamic of that type of scenario, there’s always time for negotiation. There’s always time to express some of your desires. You have to live with the fact that she can accept that or reject it, and you have to be good with it.”
Ms Olivia: “And if you are good with it, oh, she will just relax into it, or at least I will. When I have someone that I know and adore and I’m the Mistress, he’s the submissive, I just feel so comfortable that I want to do things for him. Whether or not it’s like top on my list, I think it’s just kind of natural in a relationship.”
Ms Erika: “Exactly.”
Challenge of asking a vanilla partner for pegging or anal sex
Ms Erika: “Right. One of the big things I think is a big challenge is pegging anal sex. So a lot of submissives do want to explore that, but a lot of vanilla-turned-female-led relationship type things, may say no, may reject that at first. But like Ms Olivia just said, you lean into her.”
You lean into what she desires. Let her grow. Let her discover. You’ve already said what you wanted. You don’t have to keep saying it. She’s not an idiot. She heard you.”
You don’t know what might happen six months, a year from now, when she really leans in. She may say, ‘You know what? I wasn’t really comfortable before, but look at how close we are now. Look at the other play we’ve been doing. Let’s lean into that and see if we like it. That may actually happen, but you can bring it up every three days.”
Ms Olivia: Yes! Just throw your request out and then be patient. Don’t top from the bottom, buddy boy, that’ll piss her off and she’ll resist you.
Do I have to be a sissy to be a real submissive?
Ms Olivia: This next question isn’t super common but I’ve heard it before. Do I have to be feminized or a sissy in order to be a real submissive?”
Ms Erika: “No. It’s really quite simple. No.”
Ms Olivia: “Yeah.”
Ms Erika: “No, you don’t.”
Ms Olivia: “There are no particular requirements to be a ‘real submissive,’ right? I actually even kind of don’t like that term, ‘real submissive.'”
Ms Erika: “Right. Because there are various styles, there are various degrees. Some people, like you said earlier, are emotionally submissive, but maybe sexually not so much, right? Maybe they’re submissive in other ways, but submissiveness and feminization are not synonymous”
Do I have to be into pain in order to be a real submissive?
Ms Olivia: “I got this question from Michael, who, now, I don’t think it was this exact question, but he and I talked about this topic. Do I have to be into pain if I’m in a female-led relationship? And Michael, as you know, was not into pain at all. He’s in an in-person female-led relationship, his Mistress wife said, ‘Do you want to try some ball busting?'”
And eventually he said, ‘Okay, let’s give it a try.’ I’m shortening what happened.”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “Michael has learned that he fucking loves pain.”
Ms Erika: “Yes.”
Ms Olivia: “So your point is well taken that just because you want to do or don’t want to do one thing…”
Ms Olivia: “It doesn’t… it should change, can change, and likely will change.”
Your BDSM desires will likely change over time
Ms Erika: “In a perfect world, it does change. It evolves. It becomes richer. And just know that you get to create it with her.”
So if she’s not into pain, you’re not into pain. It doesn’t have to be on the table. If you’re not into feminization, she’s not. It doesn’t have to be on the table. I said this in a previous podcast.”
It’s not a scary thing to be submissive. We do it all the time. What we do in this realm is to focus submission in poignant ways through sexuality, through lifestyle. Like the example you gave, well, ‘What if I don’t care if we go to Italian or Chinese?’ And I’m like, that’s fine. You don’t have to, right?”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
Ms Erika: “That’s still submitting to the other person’s desires. It’s just not, it’s just a food-based one. It’s not sexual.”
Ms Olivia: “True.”
Ms Erika: “And it’s not a bad thing. We do it.”
Ms Olivia: “And remember, what works for me or for you isn’t going to work for somebody else’s relationship. Or it might work.”
Just be gentle with yourself, with her, with your relationship.
And this follow-up question to that, that I think a lot of people worry about, Footstool, for example, Benji, for example, can we switch back if it doesn’t work? Or is FLR permanent?”
What if we try FLR and don’t like it?
Ms Olivia: “Honey, with kink, nothing is permanent.”
Ms Erika: “I was going to say, well what does she say?”
Ms Olivia: “Good point.”
Ms Erika: “But that is an excellent example. What a fun way. Okay. Role play, even in a longstanding relationship can be so much fun. Why not go into a trial of an extended role play for a month, right?”
Ms Olivia: “And it’s almost like a budget. Like for people that use budgets, think back to the very first start that you learned how to budget. Well, your budget changes, because your needs change, prices change, lifestyle changes. You don’t sit there and have the same budget at 40 that you did at 20.”
Ms Erika: “Absolutely.”
Ms Olivia: “So it’s more than fine to put some boundaries on it. And then it forces you, focus, but in a good way. It inspires you to get together to talk about it. Say, I love this. I don’t love this. Let’s try this. And it’s all in the communication.”
Ms Erika: “Beautiful. Yes. Communication is key. And if you evolve anywhere in your life, evolve in your communication skills, it won’t lead you wrong.”
Ms Olivia: “Yes. So we’ve done podcast episodes on this.”
Ms Erika: “Mm-hmm.”
Where do I find a dominant woman?
Ms Olivia: “There are people who are asking, ‘Where do I find a woman who wants this if I’m single?'”
Ms Erika: “Mm-hmm.”
Ms Olivia: “Ms Erika and I are not available for in person relationships … only sessions. But there ‘are’ other dominant women. We do exist.
Ms Erika: “Where do women who are in leadership roles hang out? That’s where you go. So, if you’re in Manhattan, you’re going to go down to the financial district. You’re going to hang out at the bar afterwards because those women in those power suits, those are the women you want. You’re not going to go down to the county fair and try to hit on some poor Amish woman. They are not going to be the female-led relationship you’re looking for.”
Ms Olivia: “Now, I will say I disagree about one thing. I agree with you about the Amish women. But sometimes, just like some of the best submissives are the uber Alpha men in high-powered positions, like that’s the male submissive I want. People would be absolutely shocked to find that he’s submissive.”
Ms Erika: “Right.”
Ms Olivia: “Right? So a lot of times I think people like to do the opposite of what they’re doing in their work life.”
Ms Erika: “Absolutely. And we’re all talking about odds, right?”
Ms Olivia: “Yes.”
Ms Erika: “I’m just saying that your odds are greater there than in the Amish bakery.”
Ms Olivia: “True. True. True. Although, if you do go to the Amish bakery, you’re going to get some good food. So I think just kind of don’t be a dick.”
Ms Erika: “And if you do un-dick training, call us. We’ll teach you how not to be a dick.”
Ms Olivia: “We will absolutely do that.”
Ms Erika: “I’ll teach you how to use your…”
Ms Olivia: “Yes, it’s a full service dicking.”
Question for listeners of The Weekly Hot Spot podcast
Ms Olivia: “I have a question for our listeners. Are any of you in a female-led relationship?”
I would absolutely love to hear about it. And Michael, I know you’re listening. Feel free to answer that because I called it a female-led relationship. And I’d love to hear if you and your wife also call it a female-led relationship. I think you do, but I just want to check.”
Ms Erika: “There’s your assignment, Michael. And, we want to hear from other listeners. Are you in a female-led relationship? How did it evolve? How did you discuss it? Let us know.”
Ms Olivia: “And for some of you, are you doing the dating thing where you are looking for a dominant woman? We want to hear how that’s going as well.
So for all of these things, remember we offer phone and text sessions where we can offer things like female-led relationship coaching, how to find a dominant woman.”
Ms Erika: “I love that. I love making happy female-led relationships.”
Connect & Play With Us:
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DM us on Discord at LDWOlivia or LDWErika.
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Until we connect for your private session, we love blog comments:
Here are a couple questions to get you started with your comment on this post:
- Are you in a female-led relationship?
- How did it evolve?
- How did you discuss it?
Leave a blog comment here and check out our personal blogs (and leave comments there as well). Your comments inspire podcast episodes, erotic audios and more blogs!
Ms Olivia’s personal blog: Experienced Mistress
Ms Erika’s personal blog: Intelligent Phone Fantasy
Ms Olivia: We do try to leave you to ponder a nugget of wisdom. Here’s today’s thought: When she takes control of the remote, the thermostat, and your dignity, you’re in a real female-led relationship.”
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