Holidays are stressful. This is your public service announcement from you Mistress friends who urge you to add kink to voice holiday stress. Seriously, listen and learn all about BDsm and your mental health. You can listen naked and kneeling if you want.
BDsm and your mental health
Ms Olivia: Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot, kink conversation, BDsm advice, insight from the worlds of Distance Domination and phone sex.
We are your hosts, Mistress Delia and Ms Olivia.
Ms Delia, I am so happy that you had this topic idea. Tell us what we’re going to be talking about and why you came up with it.
Mistress says: Add kink to your holiday
Ms Delia: I came up with this idea because truthfully holidays are so stressful. So this is our way of doing a little bit of a public service announcement. You know just what you need from your mistress friends.
And we’ll talk about BDsm and kink and we’re going to frame it in how you can do it over the holiday season so you keep your health and wellbeing in check.
Ms Olivia: So let’s talk about BDsm and mental health. I personally know for a fact that BDsm will help me at least avoid the holiday health pitfalls, ie getting so wrapped up in all of the holidays stress that, I’ll be honest, I kind of forget about sex.
I mean, I don’t forget, forget about it, but my head gets cluttered with, “Oh and I’ve got to do this” and “Oh, these people are coming over” — you know what I mean. There’s family and shopping and all of the relentless Christmas music. I’m like, uggggggg — you know,
BDsm is good for your mental health
Ms Delia: I really, really do know. It’s about sanity. It really is. And truthfully, sex during the holidays can be really hard.
I know if I have a party to go to and I am running late and maybe Jack wants to have a quickie upstairs, but I have a basket of presents to wrap and I forgot that bottle of wine. It’s not the sex that is happening at that time.
Ms Olivia: We’re here to tell people, you know the listeners, all of us are kind of going through the same thing, right?
So we as Mistresses, as Femdoms, as BDsm experts, we want you to add kink to your holiday. And that can be sensation play, play impact, play and/or bondage. Oh my God, food play! Can I tell you some of the cranberry jellies from Thanksgiving! That’s fabulous on my nipples!
Ms Delia: Oh my goodness. And gourds and pumpkins. You can cut a nice hole in those and make a little male masturbator. Just saying. Food play is incredibly sexy.
Ms Olivia And of course like if you put whipped cream on the pumpkin pie, oh there are so many things that you can do with that whipped cream.
Ms Delia: That is so very true. See here we are giving holiday sexual health hacks.
Well, and you know what? This is truly a PSA. It’s our public service announcement. We are here to help.
Do not buy overpriced kink gear
Ms Olivia: Now I’ve got to tell you, when you talk about, you know, adding kink to the holidays, a lot of people are talking about this and even someone like Gwyneth Paltrow, you know the actress, she has that weird site called Goop.
Ms Delia: Yes. Yes I do.
Ms Olivia: Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a bondage spanking kit for the holidays.
Ms Delia: Really?
Ms Olivia: No shit. Wow. Here’s the thing. It is $1,300 it’s a paddle and wrist restraints and ankle restraints. What the fuck? Contact us. Me and Delia.
Olivia@enchantrixempire.com
Delia@enchantrixempire.com
We will be more than happy to send you a much better and sexier bondage kit for, I don’t know, Delia, what do you want to do? 500 bucks. You know what, I would even, I would love that.
Ms Delia: I think that would be just amazing. We could probably even do it for less. Think about going to Dom Depot and just walking down the hardware aisle and the rope aisle. You can probably walk out of there if you wanted to DIY it for $20 at most.
Ms Olivia: I know. So she’s selling it for $1,300.
Ms Delia: Wow.
Ms Olivia: My God, everybody is getting into I don’t know, some sort of faux BDsm thing, which I think is just kind of stupid and ridiculous.
Ms Delia: I like that it brings kink into the mainstream that all of these women of a certain age, what, thirties, forties, maybe even twenties. who love Gwyneth Paltrow will be, “Ohhhhhh!” It gives a mainstream reason to actually say to your partner, “Hey honey, did you see what Gwyneth Paltrow has out? Do you think there’s anything to this? This might be interesting to try. What do you think?” So it’s, it’s a mainstream way for us to talk about it.
WHY is BDsm good for your mental health?
Ms Olivia: Well, that is true. And speaking of going mainstream, BDsm is now finally being studied as like a legitimate way of being and expressing yourself and expressing your sexuality. And the studies have shown that BDSM is good for your mental health.
Ms Delia: Oh yes. Some of those studies I just, I clap and cheer because these are reputable websites, companies, and businesses. And the science shows that BDsm and kink help you to stay healthy. That is a sexual health fact.
Ms Olivia: I sometimes wonder if this is kind of a chicken and the egg sort of a question. Do healthier people go in to BDsm or does BDsm make you or force you to be more aware of your body to communicate better?
Studies have done that show that kinky people are happier. We are less neurotic, more open to new experiences, less sensitive to rejection, and we’ve got a higher sense of wellbeing. So what do you think? Do you think that’s just because we are naturally that way or did your experiences with kink kind of make us more aware and more aware of our wellbeing, especially around sex?
Ms Delia: That is a great question. And speaking for myself, I knew that there was something up with me sexually at about college age.
Learning and discovering about BDSM I had to have really good communication. I had to be curious and I had to ask and it resulted in some really hot sex, much hotter sex than I would have had if I had stayed vanilla. And all of that learning led me to help and talk to other people to help bring them out.
And you know, the interesting thing is a lot of people still have hang ups just even talking about sex. So I think that’s why we are a great resource. We are not shy. We talk about a healthy sex life all the time. So we really are sex experts.
Ms Olivia: You might call a Mistress a sex therapist. We provide therapy with a happy ending. And I for one think that insurance companies or health savings accounts should absolutely pay for your phone, sex call. But that’s just me. I agree with you cause you know it concerns executives are calling us.
Ms Delia: Oh that is true. True, true.
Ms Olivia: One of the things that I think is so important is that when you engage in any level of kink, with BDSM you need good communication. You have to actually communicate, which is hard to do. And I don’t mean just difficult conversations: these are my boundaries; what is consent? Let’s get creative about doing this. Why don’t we try this? All of that communication breeds intimacy.
Even the communication that is supposed to be easy might not be easy. “Ooh, I like it when you do this”, that’s easier said than done because people are not trained or there isn’t this public conversation about how you have a conversation about sex.
It’s like sex and money are the two taboo subjects. And now maybe politics, religion too but you know, sex and money is in there with the taboo subjects that are really hard to talk about.
Ms Delia: That is so true. But when you are talking about your pleasure, that is something that I am passionate about communicating with people over.
When you are talking about your sexuality, your sexual pleasure, it shouldn’t be just private. You need to share that with someone because when you talk about your kinks, your fantasies, and you can speak about that with someone, you really are getting a better understanding of your body, a better understanding of your mind and how that kink interplays with mind and body.
Also, good communication gives you so much power to say, yes, this is me. It allows you to embrace your kink and it actually can help you to conquer your fears, your anxieties to feel better about, Oh my God, I love to get a nice over the knees, spanking with my pants, pulled down. Thinking about that now, but in 20 minutes I have to go lead a board meeting. Does that make me weird? So communication can help to alleviate that kind of worry or fear.
There was a time when BDsm was a mental disorder
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. And listen, that fear is legitimate. There was a time when BDSM was considered a mental disorder in the DSM, the diagnostic manual, it was considered a mental health disease or condition.
And that changed. Now consenting adults are no longer deemed mentally ill for choosing behavior, sexual behavior ,that is outside of the mainstream. I’m so glad that professionals finally realized what we know. We’re not crazy or we’re not crazy in the bad, crazy kind of way.
Ms Delia: That is so true. But you know what is crazy paying $1,300 for a paddle and a couple of restraints like on that goop site by Gwyneth Paltrow just saying.
Ms Olivia: I know!! That is crazy.
So speaking of crazy, we definitely talk to people about things that, gosh, I’ve talked to people who are actually in therapy and I’ve asked, “Do you talk to your therapist about this? And they’re like, “Oh my God, no, I never talk to my therapist about this.” Right? And I’m like, wow, that’s supposed to be a safe place. And yet you don’t feel safe talking about this.
There are kink aware therapists that you can talk to about BDsm and your mental health. There is even an organization, the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom that has a listing of kink aware therapists.
Kink aware therapists talk BDsm and mental health
Ms Delia: Oh, that is amazing. I can do a little disclaimer here. I have seen a kink friendly therapist at different points in my life. It’s been really, really wonderful. If you just need to work through an issue or accept something about yourself. It’s very, very interesting.
I’ll tell you about myself. I really loved pain play and I got into a lot of guilt and anxiety around pain play because I felt really bad for hurting people after the fact. I had that almost Domme drop kind of feeling and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.
So I saw a kink friendly therapist and she helped me to, to just embrace that part of myself and actually helped me to learn some things about pain play. And this was going back about a decade or so.
Even now, I think the mental health field has lots of kink aware therapists and it’s easier to find now. So go see someone if you need some help people.
Ms Olivia: I’ve done a lot of reading and different people have talked about things like treating anxiety with BDSM or stress or depression by engaging in things like you mentioned pain play, impact play or something like bondage.
It’s almost the paradox of BDsm that either giving the bondage or the pain play or being on the receiving end can kind of alleviate anxiety. Which is odd, but it happens all the time. BDsm is being used to treat anxiety.
One Dominatrix even uses her BDsm practice to help people to engage in mindfulness. So this is like kink aware meditation.
Ms Delia: Wow, I love that. And it really does make sense if you think about getting someone into really good sub space where they just let go of everything else going on in their world and they have singular focus on you and their mind is just relaxed and open and they are receiving you. And it’s that intensity, that very powerful, intense, sexy mind pattern.
Domme space is very much the same in that you don’t have that mind all over the place kind of thing going on. The squirrel in the tree brain. So, I can see how BDsm is meditative.
BDsm and your altered state of consciousness
Ms Olivia: BDsm really does produce for the dominant and the submissive, an altered state of consciousness. Why do you think that power exchange is so powerful for both sides? Do you think it’s because it puts you in that altered state?
Ms Delia: I do think that when you engage in pain play, humiliation play, teasing, or any kind of kink play, your brain loves it.
Your brain actually sends out those feel good hormones. So when you are playing, communicating about your kink, when you are having a sexy BDsm session, your brain is rewarding your body making it feel so good. And that I think is a lot of the draw to it because you do end up feeling so good and that feeling can last for days after.
BDsm from the submissive point of view
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. And look at the science of what happens when you engage in kink, impact play or pain play. Pain is physical and it causes the release of endorphins, but chemically erotic humiliation is the same in your brain as impact play, so you have emotional pain and that releases endorphins, so it’s really the same thing.
Ms Delia: You get those feel good hormones.
Ms Olivia: Now you mentioned your Domme space. Say a little bit more about Dom space or top space. What is a for you as a Dominant, as a Femdom?
BDsm from the Dominant point of view
Ms Delia: I think that Domme space is not talked about a whole lot. Usually it is sub space or sub drop after a scene, but for me, Domme space is this wonderful, clear feeling. It is really amazing.
I generally get into Domme space when I’m with my subbie hubbie Jack and we kind of get into that rhythm of play. I would call it almost a sexy back and forth with intense sensations and feedback. It just feels like my mind is soaring. Like I’m just up so high. It is my complete and singular focus and it really, really helps my feeling of just overall wellbeing. Everything flows. It’s a powerful, strong set of emotions. It is a perfect BDsm flow and that is what Domme space is to me.
Ms Olivia: I think that sometimes a submissive will think, “Oh, I wonder if Mistress is enjoying this as much as I am?” Or I’ve heard that a submissive will say, “Oh, you are doing me.” From the submissive point of view, they understand what subspace feels like, what emotions, sensations they’re going through. But they are surprised to learn that there is something called Domme space.
Ms Delia: Oh, that is so true. And the other thing that I want to point out is that Domme space isn’t necessarily a sexual thing. It’s like subspace in a submissive. It might be a sexual thing but it might not be and it might not be sexual all the time.
As a Domme, when I am in my Domme space, I feel really, really, really good. It is amazing and I feel powerful and strong and super feminine.
I’ll tell you something interesting. Sometimes the thing that gets me out of my Domme space is an orgasm. So from my point of view, staying in that Domme space means I’m not going to cum and I’m going to keep those Mistress feelings, those amazing emotions for a longer time.
Ms Olivia: BDsm and kink do not necessarily have to be sexual in the sense of I am building up to an orgasm.
Now you might have an orgasm, the submissive might have an orgasm at some point, but unlike vanilla sex, the orgasm is not the goal.
It is about the sensation, the feeling, the connection, the tension/relaxation, combination. All of those things are actually more important than I’m going to build up half an orgasm rollover and go to sleep, which is one thing that makes kink so much fun, right?
Ms Delia: Oh, it really, really does. And after a scene or at the end of a scene, I personally like to stay orgasm free just so I can be in control, do my check-ins with the submissive and have my aftercare because that to me is very, very, very important.
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. And can I just say that sometimes the submissive can do something that knocks me out of Domme space.
I had a submissive, naked up against the wall, legs spread, arms up, not on a St. Andrew’s cross or you know, not restrained or anything, but just kind of pushed up against the wall.
I’m standing on the side of him, my breasts pressed up against him. His thigh was in the middle of my thighs. I was gripping his thigh with my thighs as I’m right on the side of him and I’m paddling him. Do you know what that motherfucker did? He looked over at me and he cracked a joke about Batman and at that moment, poof I popped right was out of my Mistress space.
The joke was funny, but it was also maddening and we had to have a conversation afterwards. I’m like, “Okay, I don’t like that, don’t do that. That was funny but when I’m in that headspace, don’t do it.”
This is why, when you’re at a play party, you do not interrupt anybody that’s doing the scene. If you see something that’s dangerous, you go get a Dungeon Monitor, but you don’t like walk up to somebody when they’re scening and go, “Wow, that’s really hot.” Or “Where did you get that flogger?”
Ms Delia: Oh no, God, no. Oh, things to not do. Just holiday dungeon party etiquette, I think.
Avoid holiday stress with a BDsm vacation
Ms Olivia: Since this is about the holidays and sexual health hacks, I have a great idea. You can just completely avoid the holidays. Pretend that they’re not even there.
You can go to Spanksgiving, which is right around Thanksgiving and St Louis. Spanksgiving I mean it’s just like so fabulous. That’s a kink convention that you and I love to go to. Conventions, play parties, all of that kind of stuff or friggin’ get out of town.
Did you know that there is a kink BnB?
Ms Delia: Oh my goodness, I love that I can rent a dungeon or a place spaces from other people that have kink equipment. I find that to be very interesting. I think it would be good for some people, but I could honestly run a kink BnB.
I have to be honest about something. I love going to play parties because you want everybody to have used the machines, the equipment, you bring your own equipment, but going and laying on someone’s leather sheets. I don’t know about that.
Ms Olivia: I agree, that’s a no. But for the rest of the equipment in the space it’s like going to a hotel. Right? I mean it’s basically a bed, a dresser, lights a bathroom. It’s the same stuff that you’ve got in your own house, but it looks different. It’s a different environment. So the experience of it is different. I’m totally going to go to one of these kink BnB’s. I’m going to try it out for sure.
You know what? You should register your place. I should register my place cause I’ve got that awesome space up in my attic. I mean we’ll make a little bit of extra income renting out rooms with like complete fetish stuff.
Take a kinky cruise
Ms Delia: I love to cruise, so I would be more apt to do a kinky cruise. That to me is just just right up my alley.
On a swingers cruise the pool areas, they could be clothing optional and and some are, and they have all these big spaces and they have the auditoriums in the theaters where you could have an amazing class, a demo. Think about all the shops on a cruise ship where you could go in and buy things. Not your not $1,300 naughty little BDsm kit. Maybe there would be some different kink events and I could imagine a fashion show all while at sea, visiting some beautiful places. So you have complete privacy.
Ms Olivia: I love this swingers cruise. You know what? That bondage kit that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling $1,300 you could pay for a cruise for that.
Ms Delia: Exactly. It’s a great kind of vacation. I highly recommend it.
Ms Olivia: Now this is not around the holidays, but there’s something called the world’s largest BDsm boat party, which is in Germany and crowds actually gather. It goes out onto Lake Constance. It’s billed as the Torture Ship, but it’s not torture. Well it might be when you’re dressed in leather or the latex because it takes place during the summer! I mean that’s going to be really hot! People wear masks and they have this huge play party. I think that’s fantastic. I really want to go on that.
Ms Delia: I think you and I should plan to go on that ship together and we should just really report from it. Do a Hot Spot from it. Record a Hot Spot. Oh, could you imagine how much fun?
Stay connected with your Mistress — Holiday schedule
Ms Olivia: That would be great. Great. So our final sex and stress holiday tip for you is this: Stay connected with your Mistress. That’s what we suggest to use BDsm with your mental health over the holidays. We get it that maybe you can’t call in, like if you don’t have privacy, but you can always email us:
Olivia@enchantrixempire.com
Delia@enchantrixempire.com
If you are worried about privacy, get an email from Hush. For 50 bucks for a year, you can get an encrypted, totally private email.
Just keep it touch with your emails or sneak off and do a quick call. Even if you can’t engage in sexual play. Just to reconnect with your Mistress.
Are you going to be around over the holidays?
Ms Delia: Oh, I absolutely will. I am not traveling for Thanksgiving. I am not traveling for Christmas. I am going on vacation in January. I am staying home during the holidays so I will be around and if anyone needs to connect with me they absolutely will be able to.
Ms Olivia: They can also connect with us on Twitter.
@MistressOlivia1
@EmpressDelia
And of course keep up with our blogs:
Olivia: Experienced Mistress
Delia: Beg for Mistress
Ms Olivia: We were talking about pain play and BDsm and your mental health. We’re going to do a separate podcast about feminization because I think that some of the people who are into cross-dressing and feminization have a particularly hard time over the holidays. So I want to make sure that we say the same things to them and give a shout out about your blog: FemFabulous.
There are all kinds of ways for everybody to keep in touch and to stay sane. Holidays are acrazy time, but you know it’s going to roll around every year, so you might as well have the most fun you can possibly have during this time.
Ms Delia: Absolutely. It’s all about the fun. Absolutely.
Ms Olivia: Thank you Ms Delia for this podcast idea. Great suggestion. Great topic, great idea. Always fun to talk with you.
Ms Delia: Thank you Ms Olivia. And thank you all for joining us. We will see you next time on The Weekly Hot Spot.
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