Alternative Sexual Relationships
Negotiating an alternative sexual relationship can be intense. Many people think that only the rules of strict monogamy exist, but that is not true! Polyamorous open relationships, swingers relationships, cuckold relationships and more exist on the relationship continuum. In this podcast Delia and Olivia explore all the types of alternative sexual relationships, and encourage you to research them for yourself.
Olivia: Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot, kink conversation, BDSM advice, insight from the worlds of distance domination and phone sex. We are your hosts, Mistress Delia, and I’m Ms. Olivia. Today’s topic, alternative, sexual relationships. Ms. Delia, you and I have very open ideas about sex and relationships but we both also have very specific standards about what works for us in our private lives. Do you find that some people that have alternative sexual relationships think it’s kind of either a free for all or …not the people that actually have the relationship, but people looking from the outside in?
Delia: Oh yeah, absolutely. I think that’s very true that people just think it’s a wild orgy all the time. But I also say that that is kind of a misconception because, I mean for me and a lot of people that I know, I mean I am in an alternative relationship and I know all kinds of people in alternative relationships. Surprisingly, I think people would think there’s generally not a lot of play that happens outside of the agreed-upon rules. So I would say alternative sexual relationships follow similar rules the way that monogamy would follow a set of rules.
Olivia: That that is so beautifully said, and I think a lot of times people don’t realize how big of a deal consent is within the alternative sexual relationships community, or the BDSM community, or the kink community. Consent is a huge part of things, probably more than in the vanilla community.
Delia: Oh, I would absolutely agree with that. Because you negotiate, you have consent. If you don’t want it to be a free for all, you absolutely have to plan out the boundaries and the rules of the relationship.
What Are Alternative Sexual Relationships
Olivia: So we’re sexually dominant women. I think our alternative sexual relationships are kind of viewed through the lens of dominance and submission or BDSM, or kink play, or fetish play. We even did a podcast on how to find a dominant woman, and then another one on how do you find the perfect mistress for you. We’ve done podcasts on how to communicate with the Mistress. Both of us on our blogs talk a lot about the value 
of communicating your erotic needs to your partner. So one of the ways that we express our sexuality is being in charge, being Femdoms/Being Dommes! Right?
Delia: Oh fuck yes. Absolutely. Real-life is real and yeah, that’s who I am.
Olivia: You are in a female-led relationship…female-led marriage.
Delia: Yes. Yes, I am. And I think it’s really interesting too. So, my husband, I am the woman in control. He is what I would say as submissive in the bedroom and that doesn’t always mean that he’s always submissive. Much of our relationship is still kind of a fun back and forth kind of relationship, but we fall under the umbrella of a female-led relationship. So I am in charge, I take the lead, I initiate a lot of the activities, especially the kinky, naughty one, sexual or otherwise. And a lot of times not all of the time, I have the final say for things. So I am the woman in charge and that is our alternative relationship.
Olivia: Since we are talking about the woman being in charge. Mistress says we want our listers to obey this instruction. A lot of people are listening on Apple podcast. Please subscribe to the podcast like it, leave a review on iTunes. We really appreciate it. You will find the handy link in the transcript of this episode on our blog TheWeeklyHotSpot.com You can listen live when the episode drops on Cock Radio on Spreaker. Listen to the weekly hotspot on Spreaker, Monday 1:00 PM Eastern U S time zone.
Olivia: So Ms. Delia I am always surprised at studies about what people think about sexual activity or anything due to erotic pleasure. And when it’s studied, the actual number is very different from the public conversation about whatever the activities are. So for example, studies show that the number of people who are curious or willing to engage in alternative sexual relationships are much higher than previously thought. And this is not particularly a surprise. Men are twice as likely to say they want this than women.
Delia: Oh yeah. I mean, I think that people are just naturally curious. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s much of a surprise at all because I think exploring; I think wanting different things than vanilla monogamy, I think it’s completely natural, especially when it’s done right. And, I think that more people than not are curious about having one relationship, about having a different relationship, about having a kinky relationship.
Olivia: Does it surprise you that 25% one in four women say that they are curious or willing to consider alternative sexual relationships?
Delia: Not at all. I mean, I really do think that it’s one of those natural things, and I spend a lot of time thinking about it. I think most women do, even if they don’t talk about it.
Olivia: Oh my God. Yes. So think about it. Like if you go to yoga and there are 12 people, you are one of the 25% But that means there are two other women in yoga class with you, and they’re like, “Ohhh yeah!”:
Delia: Well yeah. When we’re in downward facing dog, we’re thinking some naughty things.
Olivia: Everybody affected some naughty things like that. Downward facing dog.
Glossary of Alternative sexual relationships
Olivia: Many things in kink, alternative sexual relationships, or many things in life, really. It’s not like this box, it’s not labeled. It’s, you know, life is actually messier than things with labels, right? But let’s talk about it in terms of a glossary of alternative sexual relationships. I didn’t even know all of these terms. So let’s start out with, I am, for example, polyamorous. That means being emotionally and or sexually involved with more than one person by consent of all relationship members.
Delia: That is perfectly said, and I am not polyamorous. I would say that I’m a little flexible. It’s just very interesting and different.
Olivia: There is a glossary in that glossary. There’s a listing for something called a cowboy, which is a monogamous male who starts a relationship with a polyamorous woman aiming to separate her from the other partners and imposing the idea of monogamy. So I have definitely had that. And it’s not gender-specific. I have been in a polyamorous relationship where one of my partners was a woman. And different people, male and female through the years have tried to do that cowboy shit, separating me from the other people or you know, “Oh, if you love me, you’ll be only with me.” And I’m like, “Yo! Were you not listening when we met?” You’ve been married now for a long time, but before he got married, did you have boyfriends that wanted to change you?
Delia: Good question. You know that I’ve always danced to the beat of my own drum, right? So of course, in previous relationships, I have had boyfriends who wanted me to be very different than who I was at those times. And I will say I was always kinky, and before kinky, maybe more than vanilla. So, I can tell you that’s why I’m not married to those old boyfriends now. And instead, I get to have a lot of fun. So, in my marriage, we have rules that we follow, and I’ll go more into them, but I’ll touch briefly now. So, we have a penetration only by me or supervised by me policy in terms of pegging. That was something that Jack wanted, and I agreed. So, we have more rules, but it’s fun because I have the play in the kink that I love, and because I made them, I have no problem following the relationship rules. And here’s the thing, if something new wanders into my mind or into Jack’s, I know that because we’ve had this great negotiation, this great kind of thing, I can openly discuss it. That’s why I cannot be changed.
Olivia: Beautifully said. One of the things that I think people who are longtime fans of this particular podcast, they know about your relationship with Jack and while you play… You know when we go to a fetish party together, when we go to a kink convention together, Hell, you’re playing with me and I’m definitely not Jack and I’m not married to you. So, playtime is fine, but the two of you have a teamwork one on one marriage. I have that same kind of emotional bond, but with several people simultaneously. I am always shocked at the number of people that think that polyamory is the same thing as polygamy. Polygamy is a form of marriage where two or more people are married to the same person, like the whole sister wives thing. So generally, it’s one man with multiple wives. Although, It might be kind of fun, one with multiple, you know, little slave husbands.
Delia: Ohh, I like this idea!
Olivia: We’re going to, we’re going to start creating our own glossary of alternative sexual relationship terms, right?
Delia: Yes. Oh yes.
Olivia: One of the things that kind of surprised me was there something called unrequited polyamory. I think of that, the way it’s described anyway as being more in line with the cuckold fetish. And you and I both know that the cuckolding and the whole cheating wife or hotwife thing is a fabulous, very sexy fantasy. Personally, I want to make it consensual when it’s in real life. So, I kind of follow the writers of one of my favorite books. It’s called The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. And so, I refer to myself as a slut, but an ethical slut. Right? It’s all about consent and not hiding stuff in a bad way.
Delia: Oh, very, very true. Very true. I think too when you’re talking about cuckolding, and I love that book too. You know, there’s, I think a lot of fantasy around a hotwife cheating and a lot of it is not consensual so much and there’s that mean cuckolding kind of spirit. And I really think in reality that is more fantasy than a truth. And that is more something that that gets guys hot than what it really is. I honestly think that real cuckolds today aren’t pushovers, aren’t weak, and they might not even be small in the penis department. They might not be poorly endowed at all or anything really derogatory. I just think that now today cuckolds are
Olivia: I love that. And I think you’re absolutely right with the whole cuckolding scene. A lot of people confuse cuckolding with having an open marriage or swinging, both of which are kind of different with different nuances. I think having an open marriage or being a swinger is another way to say that you are being ethically cheaters. By that I mean ethical, non-monogamy, right? So, everybody involved knows that it’s happening, which is one of the hallmarks of a cuckolded relationship. In an open marriage or a swingers, both of those are usually listed as different kinds of non-monogamy, but I don’t really think of that as part of BDSM culture. I mean it sure could be part of kink culture, but I don’t think of it as part of BDSM culture. What do you think?
Open Marriages and Swinging
Delia: That’s a good question. So, I think that open marriages or swinging can absolutely be but aren’t always part of kink culture. And I will tell you why. I know a lot of people at fetish parties in the kink scene, in my own kink groups, and they are monogamous or mostly so like me with playing within a set of defined rules. And I know a lot of people also who swap partners or play with multiple partners.
Olivia: Are you surprised when you see things like BDSM listed as an alternative sexual relationship? Do you think of dominance, submission, pain play in impact play, BDSM and kink… Do you think of that in terms of relationships?
Delia: No, I really don’t. And I was honestly pretty surprised to see that BDSM was listed as an alternative sexual relationship.
Olivia: Oh my God, me too. I’m reading through that list and I’m like, wow, you know, it’s almost like a listing, bondage as an alternative relationship. I think a BDSM as the activity or thing, not the relationship style, although there’s some blending. It really can be, right?
Delia: I think it absolutely can be. But like you, I say that BDSM is the activities and the headspace that I get into that are part of my sexuality. I don’t think at all that BDSM and open marriages have to exist together. I don’t think that it’s a polyamorous thing necessarily or something really alternative because honestly, I’ve seen the opposite. So that was strange for me to see it in the glossary.
Olivia: Pre Jack, before you got married, did you ever go to a swingers’ club?
Delia: Yep. Sure did!
Olivia: There are all kinds of experiences. When you find out what really happens at a swinger’s club. And truthfully, I think in some ways, the fantasy of this swinger’s club is actually more fun. But the reality… I’ve been to swingers’ parties in private homes with people that I know. And then I’ve also been to a couple of swinger’s clubs. And personally, I liked the private home vibe better. Tell us about your experience of actually going to a club. What was it like? What happened?
Delia: Goodness. So yeah, before I met Jack, I did go to swingers’ clubs from time to time, but it wasn’t to have all this sex like people might fantasize about. I am kind of an exhibitionist, I’m voyeuristic, but I’m also very much an exhibitionist, so it was really just so sexy for me to show off in lingerie and let’s face it, you know, I love to talk about sex. So, I mean, I set my own rules about what I wanted to do or participate in. And you absolutely can do that in a swinger’s club. And you probably remember, sometimes they give you little wristbands that say what you’re down to do. One might indicate sex or oral sex or nothing. Just watching. So, about that, you know, I was always honest and true to myself. I never, never really wanted to just have sex with other people. That wasn’t my thing. I went to swingers’ clubs because I could watch people, and I liked people to watch me maybe masturbate or use my dildo. It just was about the voyeurism and exhibitionism for me. And those were the best things about it for me.
Olivia: I really want to highlight what you said about the wristbands and it’s a little bit different in the private home groups because that’s like everybody knows everybody. It’s not really full of strangers. It’s more like multiple partners. But just like at a fetish party, there are actual codes of conduct when going to a swingers’ club or a swingers’ party. And let me tell you, if you break those codes of conduct, you will be invited or urged or ordered to leave. And I think this is the biggest misnomer when anybody’s talking about alternative sexual relationships. As you said, they think that there’s this free for all. And consent is a huge part of it. There are actually more rules in the “no rules” kinds of relationship than there are in the so-called ruled relationship of vanilla sex.
Delia: Isn’t that just the most interesting thing? The wild and free sexual relationship, the alternative relationship is absolutely rule-driven.
Consent and alternative sexual relationships
Olivia: Absolutely. It’s almost like dominance and submission where the submissive who is ruled by the Mistress ironically becomes more free as an erotic slave than the person would be without it. There’s a lot of 
BDSM and kink culture that is that the deliciousness and the confusion of opposites,
Delia: Oh, absolutely. I love that you say that. It’s that back and forth and the power exchange that makes it so nice.
Olivia: Absolutely. So, I think erotic roleplay, sexual fantasy, phone sex calls, distance domination, I think these are so important because there really is a stigma to what people really think about alternative relationships. Even young people, twenties, thirties, They might say, “Oh yeah, I just loved the hookups. I want to, whatever, whatever.” But I think the stigma against anything nontraditional is absolutely there. And that kind of makes me sad.
Delia: Mmm. Yeah. It’s, it’s, you know, you love what you love. You are who you are. It makes me sad too because a lot of times, and I know you feel this too, we speak to people who have a lot of guilt and a lot of shame over things that are fucking sexy and, and just kinky. It makes me sad too!
Olivia: Yeah, that’s true. I have a theory about this. I think one of the reasons why more people don’t explore this is because they need to have some tough conversations, some uncomfortable conversations, and conversations that we don’t learn how to have. Like we learn how to, “Oh, I love you. Will you be mine forever? Please open your legs. I will insert penis and we will both be happy with this until the day we die!” That’s like the public conversation. There’s more of a conversation now about erotic pleasure, gay-sex, bisexuality, gender challenges, and when people talk about “I’m nonbinary” Who knows? Maybe if I were in my twenties I would identify as non-binary. I think that it’s hard to have a conversation when it’s a difficult conversation and there are no particular rules or representations of how to have that right and you have to negotiate the rules of any alternative sexual relationship. It’s definitely similar to BDSM negotiations or some of the suggestions in our podcast, how to communicate your fantasy to your mistress. These are hard conversations to have when you don’t know how to have them.
Delia: Oh, absolutely. And nobody really teaches you about them. It’s why I think I like the structure of BDSM and D/s and kink because it is so enmeshed in negotiation and just sort of laying everything out. I love to know.
Negotiating the rules of alternative sexual relationships
Olivia: You and Jack had this conversation, but by then you were already in the kink world. Was it uncomfortable to figure out what kind of rules you wanted to have? For example, you’ve got a one vagina policy, this policy, so those are actual terms in the glossary. Tell us how you and Jack kind of came to that and was it a weird or uncomfortable conversation for you guys to have?
Delia: You know, in BDSM I think you just get used to negotiating a scene, negotiating a relationship with someone. So, it wasn’t awkward or strange, it just, it was what it was. And we did end up talking about our relationship a lot and truthfully the key to a healthy relationship, alternative or not is communication. So, like you said, we talked about what we wanted, we were open about what we wanted and we came up with a one vagina policy, which means that I only have vanilla sex, vagina, penis, sex with Jack. That’s what a one vagina policy is for us. And we also have a one penis policy, which means you know, kind of the same thing. So, he only is ever with my vagina. I’m only ever with his penis. And its interesting.
Olivia: OMG! That is so fucking funny when you put it like that! I just have to laugh! You know, a lot of sexual positions are fucking funny as shit if you look at them! Sex is amusing and crazy, and OMG! But hearing you say, “We have a one vagina policy! He’s only ever been in my vagina!”
Delia: Oh My Goodness! Haha! That is the One Vagina policy!
{Laughing ensues!}
Olivia: It’s the negotiation is serious business. Right? But you can’t take yourself too seriously or else it begins to get like all glommed up and sticky and you’re, you become unwilling to change and explore different things for different settings. Like the two of you. Tell the difference in say a play party or a fetish convention. Do you have different rules? Maybe not the one vagina policy, but do you have different rules for different circumstances?
Delia: You know we really do when we go to fetish events or kink parties or something like that. Play is always more flexible and yes, we actually have gone ahead and defined that for ourselves. So, I can tell you some of our rules. I can play with men or women, and I will invite other mistresses to play with him but not to penetrate him with a strap on. And once I had him set cock for me and I blogged about this and I’ve actually had a few men suck his cock because Oh my God, that is hot as fuck. So, I would call us heteroflexible or monogamish because we have something like monogamy, right?
Olivia: You were the first person that told me the word monogamish and when you said, you know, as we were talking about how to structure this podcast and is this interesting and stuff, he said, “Well you know, I know you’re polyamorous, and well Jack and I are monogamish.” And I’m like, what the fuck? Monogamish Oh my God, I love that term!
Delia: Well, I will tell you I’m monogamish is it means couples are in an intimate relationship and both partners have actually said, “You know what sweetie, I just can’t live by the rules of strict monogamy. I want to have a little more fun.” But so far, they’re not in any other relationships in there just working it out on their own. So, these couples are, and I guess with me and Jack, you know too, you kind of have that transition from monogamy to kind of alternative stuff. Your alternative definition. And the interesting thing is if you’re monogamish, that transition period may never end. And I think we’re still in that transitional period. You always find new things that you like and add them or take them away.
Olivia: Monogamous is serial monogamy. Polyamorous open relationships, swingers for relationships. Oh my God, there are so many different ways to go. And I think the big thing that we want to communicate is don’t put yourself in a box. And it’s okay to experiment with different things. And if you find something, you try it and you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again. Like it’s not like you get points taken off your humanity because you went to a swinger’s club and you were like, “Ewww, I didn’t want to participate in the orgy going on the mat! Yuck!”
{Laughing Banter}
Delia: I want to keep my humanity points.
Olivia: People kind of treat it like that. Can you tell? I’ve been watching “The Good Place”. I just love that show. Right? And so it’s kind of like, Ooh, how am I going to keep my humanity points to our listeners? You will get extra humanity points if you subscribe to this podcast like it and leave a review on iTunes and we’d really appreciate it because of the reviews. Make the huge difference in the podcast when it’s on Apple podcasts and actually any of the other platforms. You will find the handy link and the bowls transcript of the episode on our blog, theweeklyhotspot.com you can also listen to the weekly hotspot on Spreaker. We drop a new episode every Monday at 1:00 PM Eastern U S time zone.
Connect with your Mistress
Now if you’re a geek like me, like and Ms Delia, you will want to research all of this. Alternative Relationships Research. Go to the transcript, click on some of the links and you know, books and research about alternative sexual relationships are fabulous. Just one click away. We love the ethical slut. There are other books. Call and write either of us about suggestions and we’ll tell you what we’re reading and why and what we like. All of that.
Delia: Reach out to us actually on the phone. 1 800-601-7259 ask for Delia, Olivia, or both of us.
Olivia: Oh my God, it’ll be a phone threesome! Oh my goodness.
Delia: You can grab us on Twitter also. @HotSpotKinkTalk Olivia is @MistressOlivia1 I am @EmpressDelia And remember, follow our blogs to hear the latest news. My blog is Beg for Mistress and Olivia’s blog is Experienced Mistress
Olivia: There really is no excuse for not getting in touch with us. We have a new email: TheWeeklyHotSpot@hushmail.com Delia is Delia@enchantrixempire.com and I am Olivia@enchantrixempire.com If you’re a geek like we are and like to read: Research Alternative Relationships Here. Books and research about alternative sexual relationships.
Or you can ask us! We’re the experts! We’re easy to find!
We have a question for you:
Are you in or have you ever been in an alternative sexual relationship?
Do you WANT to be — what is your fantasy?
We can’t wait to get your comments — and maybe even make your fantasy come true!
Delia: Thanks for joining us on The Weekly Hot Spot — we’ll see you next week. Have a VERY sexy week!
Olivia: And we hope all if your erotic fantasies come true.
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