Each host of this kinky podcast is a Lifestyle Mistress and a Femdom in her personal life. Are you curious about finding the right Domme for your kink? Maybe you are interested in dating a Dominant Woman? This episode has answers to real BDsm questions from a real submissive.
Ms Olivia: Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot: kink conversation, BDSM advice, inside the world of Distance Domination and phone sex. We’re your hosts, Mistress Delia and I’m Ms Olivia. Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for being here, Ms Delia.
Ms Delia: Thank you Miss Olivia. You know I love talking about these titillating topics with you.
Ms Olivia: This week’s episode is inspired by a couple of questions from listeners to the podcast and people that we’ve met on calls, email or on Twitter.
Where do you meet dominant women? And someone said, why are Dominant Women so secretive?
In the previous podcast we talked about where to find Dominant Women and kinky people.H
How to find a Domme for your kink
Ms Olivia: Today, how do you get what you want in the kink world and what is your entree into the community of people who love Dominance and submission.
I think some of it depends on what you are into. So for example, if someone is into bondage, there are specific bondage groups that you can go to and get active in that particular group.
Follow the instructions that we gave you about connecting with groups, going to a munch, going to a convention, but hookup with bondage people. 
Ms Delia: Right. Absolutely. And you know, there’s something that I want to talk about first: what you said, the question that kind of inspired this podcast or parts of it.
Why are Dominant Women so secretive? And I would answer that I am a Dominant Woman and I don’t think that I’m secretive.
I just don’t broadcast it. I am who I am. But in public, I don’t impose my kink on anyone.
So I don’t go out in a leather boots and mini skirt with fishnets to do my grocery shopping. That would be very interesting. But I don’t do it.
Does a Domme hide her female power?
Ms Delia: So I think Dominant Women are not being secretive. It’s not like some, something that we have to do or else we lose our, our Dominant Woman card. I think we’re just being private and we are living our own lives. This includes, but isn’t limited to, my BDsm life. So maybe this podcast will help to give people a little info that so that you know, they feel a little bit better. Not like we’re hiding things from them.
Ms Olivia: I think that’s a great. We’re not secretive. It’s sort of like asking someone who is an attorney, why are you so secretive? Well, because I don’t want people asking me legal advice when I’m in line at the grocery store. It’s not appropriate. We’re not being secretive we are being appropriate within certain situations.
You and I, we own our sexuality and sensuality. People close to us know that we do Distance Domination or Mistress phone sex. People in our lives know that we’re Femdoms.
But, there are lots of people in my life that have no idea that I do any of that. For example, people that I’m in yoga with think that I just do internet marketing and writing. You train for a marathon; do they know that you like to lock your husband up in chastity?
Ms Delia: They do not know. They don’t have any idea. Now, one of the women that I run with, she and I are very good friends and she does have an “in” into my life. She does know what I do and kind of how my mind works, so she knows that. But just in general, you’re right. It’s not something that I broadcast ever or at all. I like my privacy.
Dating a Domme
Ms Olivia: Let’s talk about some of the specifics.
Somebody is looking for Dominant Women and he’s a submissive. I personally think that where you find people depends on what you are into.
There are a lot of groups that are very specific. Leather is one of them, bondage is one and then there are other more general groups that have a catchall of a variety of things.
For someone who is submissive, that’s where I recommend for a male or female Dominant.
The reality of a Lifestyle Domme
Ms Olivia: It also depends on what kind of submission, right? Because some people have this fantasy that a 24/7 total power exchange submission is exactly what’s expected. If you are in face to face, submissive Dominance, relationship, that’s not true.
Jack is your sexual submissive, how do the two of you interact outside of that?
Ms Delia: We just have a regular life. We go grocery shopping, we have a weekly schedule, we work out together. We sometimes run together, we take care of our pets together. We do a lot of together things and while it certainly is a Female Led Relationship, it is not Jack crawling on his knees 24/7. I tell ya, that’s what porn makes it look like but it’s so not true.
BDsm connections
Ms Delia: You know what? I have an example. I speak to someone off and on and I have given him very similar information and advice as to what we gave in the previous podcast about going to munches to find a Dominant Woman.
He did that and he wound up finding someone the first night. Here’s a little disclaimer: finding someone the first night is really, really rare.
He found someone that he connected with the first night. But then the excitement of that first night never really lived up to what happened afterward, the real life. So it was very interesting to see that kind of happen, you know?
BDsm relationships are still relationships
Ms Olivia: Do you think that is not unlike the excitement of meeting someone on a date or at a party and going: Oh my God, you like superhero movies? I like superhero movies. You like to work out? I like to work out. You like music? I like music. This is awesome. And then you come face to face with reality that that person is not perfect. And is not there to be perfect for you. In other words, that the person is a real person and has their own life desires, needs, et cetera.
Ms Delia: Exactly. Exactly. So, well said. And you know, there are many not sexy things that I do in my real life as opposed to the fantasy world. There really is that difference. You know, some days I just really feel like cleaning the bathrooms, scrubbing out the tub. And that that’s not very Femdom except that I want to do it.
When you see someone as a real person as opposed to this fantasy that you might have in your head, that can be jarring.
Common mistakes from a submissive
Ms Olivia: That’s a very good point. You know what, we should do the next podcast; let’s talk about common mistakes that you really don’t want to make if you happen to find a Femdom or a Domme for your kink.
I have seen people make mistakes with a professional, with a ProDomme or a Distance Domination Mistress. With someone like us, you can make those mistakes. We will tell you what the limits and boundaries are, what we can do, what we won’t do. We are more adept at saying having these hard conversations and telling someone no.
We can also offer options rather than just say no. For example, we can say, you need to be in session when you do this. Or we can point out: you are asking for too much or what you’re asking for is inappropriate. I’ve gotten really good at saying you just need to stop, right? You need to back off. And I think people that are not doing this full time are less skilled than we are at having those difficult conversations. 
Ms Delia: I think you are so right because we have our business as Distance Domination and phone sex. We talk about this on a daily basis. We advise, we counsel, we engage in really fun kink and so that’s just our wheelhouse. That’s what we love. That’s what we are so lucky to be able to do. But if someone is just working in a 9-5 kind of job, coming home, looking on the online message boards, they may not have it in them to be able to provide that giant fantasy that you’ve created in your head.
Ms Olivia: That’s exactly what we’re going to be talking about when we do the next podcast.
Feminization and the perfect Domme
Ms Olivia: For now, let’s talk about a couple other categories. 
Where do you find a Dominant Woman if, for example you are into feminization?
I have been in some BDSM or kink groups where someone who is a cross dresser and they are not exactly welcome. I’ve seen it with both the crossdresser who likes women but doesn’t identify as female or someone who’s trans or someone who is a sissy. Frankly, the group doesn’t say it out loud, but the result is the same. Some people in the group don’t think of feminization as being part of BDSM. Have you experienced that?
Ms Delia: I have experienced that same thing. They sort of end up more on their own at a play party or are suggested to do more things on their own with likeminded people.
I think on both sides it can be really difficult. I mean, the groups that I’ve gone to, there’s always someone who identifies as being a sweet, wonderful sissy. They’re dressed up with pretty makeup and I usually compliment some part of the outfit or the hair or makeup. I just really do love sissies, but for some people that might be a little bit too much.. I would never want someone to feel like, Oh my God. It took me three weeks to be able to come here, to decide to come here. It took me four hours to put on my makeup. It took me two days to pick out my outfit and now I’m being judged. That’s just really awful.
Email do’s and don’ts in the fetish world
Ms Olivia: It, it completely is and yet how do you know if the group reacts that way until you’ve been there?
Here’s one thing that you can do. There’s generally a contact email for a group. Don’t email them the day before the munch. They’re busy. These are volunteers. They’re swamped with getting stuff done. Email a week, two weeks, even three weeks, email at a time that they’re not so busy and say, I like to dress up, I’m a sissy and I’m into humiliation. Is that appropriate in your group?
Don’t go into all of the details. Don’t act like you are trying to do as scene with someone that you don’t know via email. That will get you banned from the group. So don’t say, “I have a tiny penis and I’m going to be wearing a butt plug when I go to your group and I just want people to laugh at my teeny tiny sissy penis and I’m going to be in sissy chastity and I just, you know, is it okay if people just call me a little sissy faggot? I really like that.” That’s doing a scene. That is not legitimately asking: Is this appropriate in your group?
Ms Delia: Yup. And I think people know the difference. People definitely, definitely know the difference. If you’re excited, if you’re hard, if you’re aroused when you are sending that email, it might not be inappropriate introduction email.
Ms Olivia: Good. Before you send the email, get with me or Ms Delia or both of us.
How to contact The Weekly Hot Spot Mistress hosts
If you are a caller of ours, you can even send us the introduction email that you’re planning on sending and you can get our advice.
Now that I’m thinking about it, let me just give our blogs as well because we’ve got all of our contact information and tons of advice and some hot, sexy fucking audios and pictures on our blogs.
Delia is Beg For Mistress.
I am the Experienced Mistress.
That’s a fabulous reminder to not send the email when your dick is hard. Whether you call it your dick or your clit. Don’t do it.
Ms Delia: Absolutely and keep your emails short and to the point. It’s funny that you said that about the email.
An email horror story
Ms Delia: I had an email interaction when I have volunteered to answer emails for a group. This is going back about probably 10 years. I got a basic email. It was really appropriate. This is a little bit about me and I’m looking to find out more. I sent more information and then what came back was, “Oh, thank you so much. It was great to get your email. I’ve been edging for about three hours now.”
I immediately thought “Oh no, fuck you. You don’t get an invitation. Buh bye. “
Ms Olivia: Yeah, I think that you and I have perhaps less tolerance of that in part because we get paid for it.
Ms Delia: I think that makes a lot of sense. I could see someone, you know, maybe picking up on that and going, Ooh, interesting. But it also just felt so …
Ms Olivia: Hold on. I don’t think anybody is going to go, Ooh, interesting. I think they’re going to be uncomfortable in a bad way and think of you as skeevy and gross, but they’re not going to be able to communicate it as effectively as we will.
Misbehavior on Skype
Ms Olivia: For example, this guy pops in Skype and says want to eat my cum for you. He’s not a caller, I don’t recognize him. I said, have we done a session? He says, no, I just want an eat my cum for you. I said, great, you can call me or set up a session and you can eat your cum for me. He disappears.
I get a phone call. Now, I’m on the phone. Next thing I know there’s this dick pic in my Skype account while I’m on the phone with somebody else and I’m staring at his junk and I sent him a quick Skype message: “DO NOT SEND PICS. We are not in session. Stop it.”
He went away for a little bit. Later, I’m off the call. He writes back and he goes, wow, you seem really mad. That’s not the way to get a client.
I said, “I’m a sex worker. I don’t get mad. I do definitely have my boundaries and you just crossed one and two. You’re sessioning without paying for this. If you want free stuff, jack off to the free stuff on our blogs, but don’t do something that I am not consenting to.”
Long story made short, I eventually told him, we are not a match. I actually don’t want you to be my client. Don’t even worry about paying me. It’s not going to happen. And then I referred him to our live help desk and see if they can help you. And then I blocked him on Skype.
A Domme is a real person, kink included
Ms Delia: It’s important to say that yes we are paid to enjoy fantasies with people. But like you said, when we’re not in a session, we’re just people relating to other people. We do have very well established boundaries and rules and limits. That’s always something to remember. Even if you are talking to someone who is really into phone sex and Femdom and kink, you always want to approach things like, okay, this is a person too.
Ms Olivia: Not just that, but in my experience, people in the kink world are actually even more adamant about getting consent then in the vanilla world. Has that been your experience as well?
Ms Delia: I think that’s a very good point. You will see that happen in the kink world because we do have safe, sane and consensual and risk aware, consensual kink. As a community, we have safewords and limits.
That idea of consent is so prevalent within the BDSM community that no matter what you’re doing, you have to consent to it. So you can’t just force yourself upon another person even via email or pictures or texts. You always want to make sure that there is that consent. I think that’s just beautifully said Miss Olivia. I think that’s such a good point.
Ms Olivia: And to your point, that will absolutely get you blocked. You will either know that you’re blocked because the person will write back and say, we this, our group is not for you. You’re not going to be invited. Or they’ll say at the munch, “Um, thank you for coming and we’ll, we’ll talk about it and we’ll think about it.” I’ve seen this happen at munches and then the leaders of the munch look at each other and it’s like no fucking way, you know?
Of course it was a guy, it was, it was a guy who is behaving badly. Guys are the ones that generally are behaving badly in part because their dicks are hard and they’re just acting stupid.
Ms Delia: Oh yeah!
Feminized and transformed by a Mistress
Ms Olivia: Let’s talk about someone who wants to be feminized. Where can they meet someone who is a Dominant Woman? I don’t recommend trying to date someone and then flip the script and say, “Oh, so we’ve been dating for six months and by the way, I want you to put me in panties and a dress. Right? Because that rarely works out.”
Ms Delia: You’re right, it rarely does work out. I used to live in an area where they had a store that was geared toward cross-dressers and this store is online. It is glamour boutique.com and they have it in a couple of areas.
know through talking with people who like to dress in women’s clothes, there are a couple of different stores that I’ve heard about. I also know some people have gone to kind of the local cross-dresser hangout and just they’ve done a little networking there which has been kind of cool. Alternately, absolutely look for groups online. Google can be your friend. It really can.
Ms Olivia: There are also groups — this is the less for sissies because that’s a little bit more into the kink and the power exchange thing than cross dressing — there are also groups though for crossdressers.
The vast majority of cross-dressers are into women, not men. They dress en femme for various reasons. They like the fabrics, they want to experience their femininity. There’s a wide variety of reasons why somebody cross dresses or they may be female and expressing that, but look for a cross dressing support group. Sometimes you will find a good fit and other times you won’t.
I talked to someone who said, well, I’ve been to some local cross-dressing groups and all they want to do is sit around, uh, drink whiskey and bitch about their military experiences. Wow. That doesn’t sound fun even for a group of guys.
Ms Delia: Absolutely. Oh that is funny.
Domme makes you suck cock
Ms Olivia: What about someone who is cock curious but he wants a Dominant Woman to coerce him to suck cock. Or maybe encourage him to suck cock.
Some groups that I’ve been to, and I’m talking about kink groups, a fetish groups, some groups allow the exchange of bodily fluids and other groups don’t. It’s not a one size fits all community.
Ms Delia: Very, very true. And I think with specific fetishes that’s the difficult kind of thing. It’s best if you can find a group that’s more into what you are into. For example: like rigger groups, bondage groups, rope groups, Shibari groups, things like that. Those are common interests.
But thinking about sucking cock, that’s one of those intimate things that you’re probably just not going to get when you go to an initial kind of group. To me, I would think that when you connect with someone and you start talking about kinks and maybe maybe you’ve got your BDSM checklist maybe you share that with people. Then you start talking about different kinks. Our phone version of this is my pre-call questionnaire.
For me, I’ve seen that most groups don’t allow the exchange of bodily fluids. Don’t allow, you know, gay male sex basically, in there. They usually will allow strapon cocksucking in a play party.
It’s really one of those things where it can be unfortunately difficult to get what you want in reality out of your fantasy., which is why sometimes I actually think it’s better to engage in fantasy play and Distance Domination like with us as your Mistress.
Final thoughts on how to find a Domme
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. Absolutely. That brings us full circle to what you said at the very top of this podcast. I’m paraphrasing to how I say it. You will pay for what you want. The question is, are you going to pay? Will it be with your time and your effort or are you going to pay with your credit card? Hmm. Because here’s the thing. You can get exactly what you want and you can get a guarantee of getting exactly what you want when you find the perfect Mistress for you, you will pay for her time with your credit card.
You can find this same thing “for free” in the fetish world.
But you will spend your time in order to make connections, talk to people, build credibility, find referrals, be a player, go to conventions. You will spend time and the equivalent of more money than just buying it. So I think there is a misnomer when people think, Oh, I don’t want to pay for it. No buddy, you’re paying for it, however you choose to pay for it. There’s always an exchange, right?
Ms Delia: Right. The money for gas, the money for the food, the drinks, everything at multiple parties, booking a hotel to go to a party and maybe in in reality, not getting a very good return on your investment at all. That always makes me sad.
Ms Olivia: Right? It does, and with a paid professional, which is the definition of a professional, you have more guarantees than you do. It’s like dating. You know, if you go to an escort and you pay an escort, you have a guarantee of how the evening with end after dinner, if you take somebody out, maybe she sleeps with you, maybe she doesn’t totally up to her. You don’t have a guarantee. I want to make sure that people know that trying to get this. There are women like Ms. Steele yet and may in and around the fetish community. We do exist. We are real. We are there, but it will take an investment on your part to bind us. Any final thoughts?
Ms Delia: It’s, I like a sure thing sometimes and I will tell you this podcast has been a little, I don’t know — I would say difficult, but it really has kind of made me think about things that I’ve done and frustrations that I’ve had.
I think my final thought is that I’m really glad that we are presenting this to people and that we’re doing in such a real way. So I just like, thank you Olivia.
Ms Olivia: I like these weird kind of in depth difficult conversations. I do. I can’t help it. I it, you know, they’re my jam. They’re fun.
So do you have a BDsm question? Do you have a kinky comment?
Reach out to us. We will answer back no matter how you behave. But trust me, after listening to this podcast, you can probably tell if you are nice, you will tend to get longer responses than if you’re needy or skeevy.
Join the conversation on Twitter. We’re getting a lot of these questions and comments in tweets from people that follow us and interact with us on Twitter.
So what’s on your mind? What’s on your mind? Tell us. Reach out. Tweet out.
Touch us and we’ll touch you right back. Right Ms Delia?
Ms Delia: Oh yes we will! ~laughs~
Ms Olivia: Up next on The Weekly Hot Spot: Common mistakes a submissive makes with a Dominant Woman. You do not want to miss this podcast.
Thank you for joining us on The Weekly Hot Spot.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Oh this was a good one!! Yes that did happen a bunch of guys in dresses sitting around talking about their military time. I just did a local search to see if that particular group was still active and they are not. Most of them were older than me so there may be some attrition. I know a few of them would be in their 80’s now. For an area as diverse as South Florida I am surprised there are really no other groups showing websites. That does not mean they are not there it just makes them harder to find. You can feel like you are on an island down here sometimes and that makes it hard for someone interested in the kink community no matter what level.
xxxxxxx
yvonne
Thank You Mistresses for this wonderful stroll down memory lane. Can You believe it has been over seven years since You both shared a similar conversation with me?
You helped me find groups and munches in my area, proof read my FetLife profile, eased my jitters before my play parties. And let me share my experiences afterwards.
Since then i have found everything You presented here to be spot on and can honestly share with anyone here how helpful You are in helping newcomers find their way in the convoluted world of kink.
Thanks again for all the advice over the years and the wonderful relationship we still share.
You are SO welcome for all the kink advice over the years!
You sure did find the right Domme for you!
😉 Ms Delia