What does a Femdom Mistress look for in a sub? There are so many variables. It’s important to remember that BDsm play and the fetish players are people – so it’s never one size fits all for scenes and relationships. That said, there are some things that every submissive man needs to know when dealing with a Mistress. As a special bonus – hear why guest host Goddess Mandy shocked Mistress Olivia and Ms Erika. LIsten to the podcast episode: What every submissive man needs to know.
Ms. Olivia: Welcome back to The Weekly Hot Spot. Kink conversation, advice, and insight from the worlds of distance domination and phone sex. I’m Mistress Olivia, here with Ms. Erika and our friend, the fabulous Goddess Mandy. Mandy, thank you for being here. This is going to be great.
Ms. Mandy: Thank you so much for inviting me.
Ms. Olivia: We came up with the idea of doing a podcast on what a submissive man needs to know about dealing with the Mistress or what each of us looks for in a submissive. So let’s start out with an overall question to both of you. Why is this important to you?
Ms. Erika: That is a good question, Ms. Olivia. What I do here, and I try to do in all of my life, is to enrich my existence on this planet. I’m looking for great connections and a great time. With that said, I know that there are a lot of guys out there that may come across me on Twitter or Enchantrix Empire, or even on my blog, and maybe even with a lucky keyword search, but like all of us, we’re human and there might be some trepidation about actually pulling the trigger and calling and doing a session with me.
I like to offer information about myself, what my style is, what you might be able to expect from me and a little bit of what I expect from you. That way, you can feel better about coming to me or connecting with me.
I wrote about “Pleasing a Dominant Mistress” in my blog as well.
A true submissive man gets to know Mistress
Ms. Olivia: Connections. That’s so important. This is one of the things I absolutely love about the two of you. I’ve known both of you for years. I’ve done two girl calls with both of you and we all have connections. Mandy, I know that connections are really important to you too.
Sometimes people look at us and they think, “Oh, I’m going to talk to Goddess, Mandy!” and be nervous, but you are frigging approachable. Do you ever worry about that?
Ms. Mandy: I know that exists with people. And so do I really worry about it? Not really. I feel like the people who are going to find me are going to find me or they’re going to approach me or they’re going to figure it out.
But I totally get that feeling of trepidation or angst as they think about reaching out to us. I truly believe it’s all about building a relationship and building trust between you and I.
What does Goddess Mandy look for in a sub?
Ms. Mandy: It’s someone who will open up to me and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Someone who will trust me and will honestly do their best to communicate what they want and what they need in a session and from me. It’s important that we treat each other with kindness and respect; that is always, always a must.
Of course, I also want to have fun with you.
Ms. Olivia: I think it’s important to acknowledge the elephant in the living room. We are paid for our time and there’s a misconception that if a sex worker is paid, the guy can treat her however he wants.
That’s not the case. Like any professional, we have a skill set, a valuable skill set, and I’m going to be blunt; yes, this pays for my life and my lifestyle. I’m grateful for that, but I also bring a lot to the table. So what they’re paying for is my time and my skill set. I did a whole blog about what you get when you pay for phone sex.
People don’t typically think of us in terms of being like a therapist, a psychologist, a doctor, a lawyer, or any other professional that brings a verbal, intellectual skill set. With our callers, I haven’t noticed a lot that are assholes, but there are some. I want to point out that just because you’re paying for your call or paying a sex worker, that doesn’t mean you can be a douche.
Ms. Erika: You bring up a not-so-pleasant aspect of what we do. There are those who feel our value is less because we deal with sex and sexuality. The question, “Why should I pay?” is a common thought. I also think we are easy targets for people who are in pain and looking for someone to release that energy on. They can’t treat others in their life like that and because they think our value is less then they have carte blanche to do that.
I love that blog, Ms. Olivia, I read it and it’s so professional and mature and it really puts a positive spin on the topic. And like you point out in the blog, you can talk with us about anything. Since you can’t do that with your significant other or your friends, that makes us more valuable.
Ms. Olivia: I agree. When you think about it, we are like the stranger on the plane. That person you know you’re never going to see again. You can afford to say things to that person that you might not say to someone you’re dating or someone you’re married to; anyone you’re going to see in the daily course of your life.
Ms. Mandy: When someone’s a stranger to us, I feel like there is so much more of a comfortable opportunity to just say whatever you want to say.
Ms. Olivia: Be honest about your needs.
I was talking to this guy who was in therapy with a kink-friendly therapist, in the process of getting a divorce. I asked him, “Do you tell your therapist about any of this stuff?” He was interested in strap-on play and pegging, asking how to find a dominant woman in real life. He wanted to get into face-to-face relationships. I asked, “Are you talking to your therapist about any of this?” And he said, “Oh fuck, no!” I asked, “What are you paying your therapist for?”
Ms. Erika: Especially a kink-positive therapist.
Something happens when we look at somebody else’s eyes, our vulnerability is tenfold and we fear rejection. That fear goes through the roof. So, being able to talk to us because they can’t see our eyes helps guys to talk to us easier than the therapist.
Ms. Olivia: We don’t want you to be at all uncomfortable with this order from your Mistress, and it is an order. We want you to go to Apple podcast, subscribe to The Weekly Hot Spot, like it, and leave a review on iTunes. By the way, we are charting. The Weekly Hot Spot is moving up the charts and we are number three in Qatar. It was the Stapon Sex from the Woman’s point of view pegging episode.
Ms. Erika: We should do a foot worship one or a foot podcast and see how our numbers go through the roof over there.
BDSM relationships actually are relationships
Ms. Olivia: What does a Mistress look for in a submissive.
Of course, each person is going to be unique and each femdom Mistress has their own criteria and preferences for what makes a good submissive. There is no rule book. It really is a dance between two people. I look for someone who will be a good dance partner. It’s more of a quality than specific behaviors.
Is there an overall characteristic both of you look for?
Ms. Erika: I want you to be up-front about why you’re coming to me. Are you looking for training in your particular kink? Are you looking to feel more submissive and what stimuli can help you feel more submissive? Are you looking for advice? Role play? Fantasy play? Don’t worry if you come to me and say, “Oh, Erika, I would love to play this fantasy out with you.” Don’t worry. I’m not an HMO. You’re not condemned to have that one selection forever.
Be vulnerable. Be open. Tell me what your expectations are. Let’s not forget having an open mind and a willing spirit is all that’s needed..
Ms. Mandy: For me, an open mind and a willingness to share are key. So open up! Risk your thoughts and feelings with me. Be vulnerable. Share. I’m not here to judge you.
Ms. Olivia: Unless he likes erotic humiliation.
Ms. Mandy: That’s right. Then that is what you will get from me.
I definitely believe the openness and honesty not only makes for a great session, but I feel it is also a long-term added benefit of building that critical trust and respect between us. This is the same for any relationship you have in your life.
I am like you, Erika, I need to know what it is you’re looking for from me as a Mistress and you for your session or relationship. As well as I can read people, I’m still not a mind reader.
Ms. Erika: Ms. Mandy, you’re not a deity?
Ms. Mandy: No, I am not, so I need you to tell me what you want. It’s good to know I am very open to all sorts of things and if you aren’t sure, we can work that out together..
Each BDSM relationship is unique
Ms. Olivia: These things might make him a good sub, but it’s good to know he might be a fabulous submissive for one Mistress and not a good fit for somebody else. A great place to start for people to learn about our style is our blogs and audios. These will give any potential submissive a real sense of who we are. You can listen to our voices and that helps, too.
I’ve done fabulous two Mistress calls with each of you. I recommend both of you to callers either by yourself or with a two Mistress call with me or each other. I think it’s important to realize that a relationship with us is not like a marriage or a girlfriend. We’re not going to get jealous.
If you say, “Hey, I want to try somebody else. Who do you recommend?” I’ve got a whole list of women that I will emphatically recommend. “Oh my God. You’ve got to call Erika. She’s just fucking amazing. I want her to do this, this, and this with you. But you talk to her and see what the two of you come up with.”
Or, “You’ve got to talk to Goddess Mandy. She is amazing. And she’ll do this, this, and this, but that’s only what I know. Try both!”
Ms. Mandy: Maybe they’ll find out something that they had no clue about with either of us.
Ms. Olivia: That’s so true. Yeah. And isn’t that fun.
Let’s talk a little bit about types of female domination. The broad categories are sensual or strict. Sensual or gentle femdom is soothing and sweet, but remember she is still in charge.She’s the woman in charge.
None of us switch, I don’t think. Mandy, do you switch?
Does Mistress Switch? WOAH!
Ms. Mandy: I do switch.
Ms. Olivia: You are submissive? Get the fuck out of here!
We are going on an excursion!
Ms. Mandy: See? Now you both know something about me that you might not have known before, at least you, Olivia.
Ms. Erika: I don’t think I knew that about you, Miss Mandy. Well, there’s boners popping up all over the Enchantrix today.
Ms. Olivia: Early on at LDW group, I tried to switch several times and I know that these are fantasy phone calls, but even in fantasy, I just suck and not in a good way. I would say to him, “I really think this would be so much better if you would tell me to do this or that.” He would, of course, balk. I just can’t do it.
Ms. Mandy: That wouldn’t be topping from the bottom at all, would it, Olivia (said sarcastically)?
Ms. Olivia: No, not at all (said sarcastically).
Ms. Mandy: “Just trying to be helpful! Just a guide. It’s just a possibility for you to think about John. I know it might not be what you wanted to do, but just think about it, John.”
Ms. Olivia: “Get back to me when you’ve discovered I’m right.”
We have to do another podcast with you Mandy, talking about what it’s like to be a switch. Erika isn’t a switch either. She sucks at taking instructions, right, Erika? You know I love you!
Ms. Erika: No, you are right. I can do role-plays and girlfriend experience fantasies, it is where we are more an equal partner in the call; there’s still give and take. If my caller really wants me to enjoy the session as much as he is, that’s great. I just don’t take direction very well.
Ms. Mandy: We are allowed to suck at some things, too. That’s why there are so many Mistresses to choose from. Someone will be the perfect fit for each caller.
Ms. Olivia: We will have a podcast episode in the future on switching and invite Ms. Mandy back to talk about that with us.
Sensual and Strict Domination
Ms. Olivia: Okay, back to female domination.
We did an earlier podcast on the Submissive Guide to Rough Kink I like to do both types… a sensual Mistress and a strict Mistress. I even like mixing them both together in a scene, starting sensual and getting more and more intense.
Then for aftercare, back to sensual, gentle, and sweet.
I appreciate it when a sub asks, “What’s your Mistress style?” And I answer, “It can be one or the other, or both: sensual and strict Mistress. But if the caller wants only sensual or only rough, then I can do that as well.
Do you both like that question?
Ms. Erika: I understand why they ask that question because we are getting to know each other. I think a more productive question would be, “What are you bringing to my table?”
I know that there’s some ladies that only do strict or only focus on feminization, but my interests are wide and varied like yours, Olivia. By nature, I’m sensual. However, I have a little sadist inside of me who enjoys putting men in their place.
So for you to come to me, what do you bring to the table? What makes you feel submissive? If you don’t know, that’s fine. We’ll explore that together. Sometimes he needs to be ordered, “Get down on your knees right now.” Yet others need, “Oh, darling, look how sexy you are between my legs. You’d love to stay there all day. Wouldn’t you?”
So what helps you feel submissive? I’m a kinky alchemist who likes to take all the energies and different stimuli and mix them together to make a delicious kinky soup for us. Be honest. Bring what you bring to the table. And I love being mean and I love being sensual.
Ms. Mandy: I normally tell people that my style, or my intrinsic nature, is definitely more sensual and nurturing. However, I do enjoy being more strict at times and I can do it well. The key for me is to know what you are looking for. I’m really good at giving you what you want and need. If, and only if, I know what that is.
Ms. Olivia: I just love you pointing out that we can’t read minds.
Each Mistress has her own likes and dislikes. It’s the same with the submissives. Talk to a group of submissive men and you will find a variety of feelings and answers.
I love Logan Roland and I think he represents many people who call us. He describes himself as a straight man. He says, “I like it in the back for sure [but] I don’t think I’d let a guy do me. I’m straight but also really feminine. I don’t mind plugs and toys with [male genitalia], but wouldn’t want to be with a man.”
So hearing this description, he would be looking for a woman who has alpha male attributes and will make him do things he might be curious about.
Expectations of the Submissive
This is one of the things that’s critical, talking about the expectations of the submissive. What are they looking for? Some people, for example, think they want 24/7 control. I absolutely interact with people outside of sessions, but these are quick check-ins. Think of me as a busy professional. You don’t ask your tax lawyer to do a full audit for free.
I had to disengage from one submissive because of demands on my time and energy. It took a long time for me to realize it, but in a year, he had sent more than 400 emails… long emails… 500, 600, 700 or more words. He got more and more demanding, insisting I send back equally long replies, unpaid replies. I do paid emails, but these were unpaid replies and that’s not sustainable. It’s not healthy or realistic.
Now I check to see that we both have appropriate expectations for attention outside of sessions. Is this something both of you think every submissive man needs to know? How do you handle this with your callers and potential callers?
Ms. Erika: Some really great points, Olivia. We all have different expectations and not discussing expectations can cause hurt and negative feelings. I enjoy outside of session contact on social media and in email but it’s a quick check-in and I’m really up front about that. Not all of our callers are going to contact us outside of session and that’s fine, of course.
But as soon as a person enjoys that type of contact, the first email I say, “Okay, just know that I’ll get back to you as I’m able. If you would like more of my undivided attention, I have several custom email packages to offer for training and connecting.” I talk about it in a very reasonable and mature way. There are some people that are so scared to make a misstep they err on the other side. I’m not going to freak out and say, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know I’m really busy?” I don’t respond that way. I say, “You know what? This is a really long email. I would love to talk to you about it in session.” End of story. “Let’s move this on to session because it’s going to take a lot of my time.” I know people want us to be happy. If we’re not happy, we can’t do our best and if we have all these pressures, it’s not healthy.
Ms. Mandy: Being on the same page is necessary. If we are not, it’s not helpful for us and it’s not helpful for them. It can create the opportunity for a not-so-positive experience.
We all have these different expectations of what we want with and from our clients. And of course, they have their own set of expectations of what they’re looking for from us.
I tend to ask a lot of questions. It gets us to the question, “What are you looking for?” as well as “What am I looking for?” I find these questions come up naturally at the very beginning, even in the first session or two.
I definitely enjoy check-ins and hearing about what is going on in your life between sessions. I do really enjoy that. If it gets too much, however, that doesn’t serve anyone. My connection and time spent outside of session is often directly proportional to the relationship and the bond that I have built with you or that we’re building together.
Trust and BDSM relationships
Ms. Olivia: That’s a really good point. And part of that relationship building is being honest about your kinky desires. Be honest.
I’m going to start this section with a little bit of a caveat. If someone is new to BDsm or kink, he might actually not know what he wants and that’s okay. Just say, “I’m new,” and then let your Domme guide you.
I’m the Experienced Mistress and I know what I like in a submissive man. I know what to ask, suggest, do, try, all of that and more. Trust is a huge thing in any BDsm relationship, any relationship, really, but especially with kink.
Thoughts from both of you, Erika, we’ll start with you.
Ms. Erika: Without your honesty, what’s the point? Why are you here? You’re only cheating yourself out of a wonderful experience. We are experienced and knowledgeable enough to realize that your mind may be willing, but your body may not.
One common thing that we do in controlling cocks and orgasm is something called edging. Edging is bringing you close to the point of no return, but stopping the orgasm before you have it.
There are some people who are physically unable to do so. I liken it to, “Oh, so your Dick just gave you a giant ‘Fuck you! If I’m not coming, then I’m not working. Go to hell.’” That is perfectly fine. I just don’t want you over there pretending to be edging for me. We can work with your body and your mind.
Be honest. Be vulnerable. Tell me what’s going on. There are so many tools in our toy box. We don’t have to just focus on one thing.
Ms. Mandy: I love that you said that, Erika, that we don’t have just one tool in our toolbox.
Honesty, trust, and being genuine are all vital for a BDsm relationship. I totally agree with you, too, Olivia. Those elements are key for any relationship and, as Erika said, if you’re not being honest, what is the point of the call or trying to establish a Domme and submissive relationship? You’re only lying to yourself
Really, everything comes down to trust. If you don’t have that trust in a relationship, there’s absolutely no foundation to stand on. With it, the possibilities are endless.
Ms. Olivia: One thing that I want to emphasize, not that it’s necessarily wrong, per se, but can be problematic is trying to impress your Domme by telling her what you think she wants to hear. Please don’t do that to a Mistress. As a Mistress, I’m sizing up the submissive and he should be getting to know me as well.
I don’t want to hear things from the submissive that are not true. If I ask, “Do you like CBT? Cock and ball torment? Do you like that?” I don’t want someone who hates having his balls yanked and grabbed and pinched saying, “Yes, I love that,” because he thinks that’s what I want to hear. I want to hear the truth.
It’s important to let people know they need to look for a Mistress who really has their best interests at heart. It may be an evil heart. It may be a naughty, kinky, really raunchy fucking heart, but at its most basic, a good heart… an evilly good heart.
Ms. Mandy: The Mistress has a cares-about-you heart. She wants to look-out-for-you kind of heart and has your best interests in mind.
Ms. Erika: The other day, I had a caller where we played with humiliation and humiliation can be very intense, and during the aftercare, I told him what a good job he did for me. I said to him that, ultimately, I care about him, that humiliation is an erotic stimulus for him, but, it does not mean I think any less of him.
I say this so many times and know I will say it even more in the future, but I love what you bring to the table. I want to celebrate you. Then, once we build that connection, we get to celebrate us. Things are not necessarily right or wrong. If you bring up a subject or something that I’m not into, I’ll say, “Hey, how else can we connect?” So it’s all good.
Communication and kink or BDSM play
Ms. Olivia: Communicating with your Mistress, if not the most important thing, it is certainly one of the most important things. A submissive can only be a good sub, pet, or slave if he or she is effectively nurtured. And that means communication.
We did a whole podcast on How to Communicate with a Mistress.
One of the big parts of communication is talking about preferences. Not just what the submissive wants, but what the Mistress and submissive can negotiate together. It is a complete getting-to-know-you process.
Don’t be shy about what you are looking for. I won’t be shy. For example, I’m not a big fan of brat play. That’s a submissive who pushes buttons, breaks rules, and acts like a brat. Some of this is okay as part of the dynamic in a session, but I get tired of it, especially out of session.
Do both of you have something you’re not crazy about?
What NOT to do with a Mistress
Ms. Erika: One of the reasons I am very clear with boundaries early on is because, when we communicate outside of session, we are not in session play. I have very little energy to deal with what I would consider immaturity outside of session. If you want to do a session involving what you are asking about in email or text, let’s do it.
But if you push the boundaries as a submissive, that covers up your honesty. But if that is genuinely who you are, maybe we’re not a good fit..
In a session, we are in control, we’re always in control, right? So outside of session, when a submissive tries to take control, I recognize it right away. I usually counter it with being ultra cool and dismissive because I understand you’re trying to suck me into this type of bratty play. I don’t let anybody steal my power. We pull the strings, not you.
Ms. Mandy: For me, I don’t like when somebody tries to top from the bottom. I’m sure that is for most of us doing this, though. But one of the biggest things for me is, if I feel my buttons are deliberately being pushed or if I’m feeling disrespected in any way, I don’t like it. It’s not good. It’s not positive. It’s not happy. And it’s not fucking cool with me.
Ms. Erika: You can turn on your mean Mistress if that’s what the submissive is looking for. You don’t have to surreptitiously try to motivate a Mistress to do that.
Ms. Olivia: I think sometimes there are guys that don’t understand the difference between in session and out of session. Perhaps they’re so new to the BDsm and kink world they think, “Oh, if you’re a lifestyle Mistress or a lifestyle Domme, that means when you walk into the public market, walking in with thigh high lace up boots, a leather skirt, and a fucking whip.” They think I would say, ”I would like those fucking oranges, bitch!”
No, I go in just like anybody else and ask, “Do you have any fresh cilantro? I would really like two bunches. Thank you.” But sometimes they get this impression we are domineering of everybody 24/7 from watching femdom porn.
I want to tell these guys not to worry too much about topping from the bottom. What’s important is to listen to your Mistress.
What is topping from the bottom?
Ms. Olivia: If you are doing a ton of topping from the bottom, I’ll stop the scene and say, “Excuse me, am I going in the wrong direction?” And if he says, “No, I’m just trying to help you.” I will say, “Okay, let’s have some negotiation. You talk about the scene in the beginning and then you turn it over to me. When we are mid-scene and you try to change directions, it’s not helpful. It throws me out of my Domme space. If you want to do something that’s more equal, and it doesn’t need to be any one thing, but both of us need to agree on it.”
Ms. Erika: That is a very good point, Olivia. When outside of session and we’re talking about when we are in session, that is part of the negotiation. That’s when you share your ideas or say, “I would really love to feel this,” or “Do that in session.” We Mistresses listen to that.
But once we are in session, that’s when the topping from the bottom occurs. When you’re trying to push Mistress in a different direction or make her go faster. A lot of times, if I’m building up to something and if you’re getting impatient, your job as the submissive is to focus on me, not try to push your agenda, but to allow it to unfold as I want it.
Ms. Olivia: That is a good point about a caller wanting to go faster. I’ve got to ask, what do you do with the guy who says, “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh” in rapid succession trying to push you forward? I stop and say, “Do you want me to go faster?” as I remind them they only pay for the time they use.
I had this one guy who, when I asked if he wanted me to go faster, said, Yeah.” So I said “And. I. Shove. My. Dick. In. And I grab your hips and go in and out in and out in and out.” Then he gave a meek, “Okay.” After he came, he stayed on the phone for about 15 minutes and I told him he would be better spending that 15 minutes on warm-up, that his orgasms would be so much better.
Men are sometimes very confusing.
Ms. Erika: It just goes back to what Mandy said too, trust is important. Trust us. If you have a bad session, if there were things about the session that you didn’t care for, after session, email me, contact me and say, “You know, this was great, but I was getting really impatient with this part.” Not in session because it breaks everything apart, your subspace and my Domme space. Just try to roll with it unless it’s yellow time. If it’s yellow time by all means, use your safe word, darling.
Ms. Olivia: And part of our job as Mistresses is we will push those limits. Depending on the submissive, I will push a little bit further. That’s called edge play, when you are playing on the edge of your limits. It’s important to know when and how to push limits. I like it, but edge play is complicated.
I love the writing of Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy who wrote The New Topping Book. They describe edge play as, “Whenever things start to feel risky, where you start to feel vulnerable, the edge of the cliff that looks over your personal abyss.”
There needs to be a lot of trust between me and the submissive.
Ms. Erika: It’s an entirely new level for sure.
Ms. Mandy: I haven’t read it yet, Olivia, but it sounds amazing.
A similar example of feeling like we are on the edge is when we do open up and risk being vulnerable. It happens when we share something painful or makes us feel shameful, when we share secrets we’ve never told anyone before. Especially when it is those secrets we’ve kept locked away, maybe even forever. This is the edging feeling a submissive might have with his Domme or Mistress.
Ms. Olivia: All of this comes down to communication. We keep talking about it, but I think it’s so important. Your Mistress can’t read your mind. Each of us stressed that point and I said, very early on, that a scene between a Domme and a submissive is a dance between two people.
One of the big debates in BDsm circles is who is in charge: Mistress or submissive. I’m going to put both of you on the spot. Weigh in on this. Who is in charge, the Mistress or the submissive.
Ms. Erika: We cannot read minds, as Goddess Mandy said. And while we are referred to as Goddesses, we are not really deities. We really can’t read your minds.
That moves us, though, to negotiations. The submissive has as much say about the scope of play as Mistress. It is in that session, in that scene, where the submissive gift is given.
I get chill bumps every time I think about the gift of submission given to me. Don’t you, Mandy and Olivia, feel it is a gift as well?
Ms. Mandy: I definitely feel that a submissive’s submission is a gift. If I know that you’re honestly and truly committed to my desire, my pleasure, my happiness, I see that clearly as a gift to me.
Olivia, it is true, how you described communication like a dance between two people. If I am dancing the Waltz and you are doing the Tango, we are definitely going to have issues between us.
Ms. Olivia: If I’m leading and she is going backwards wearing 4,5,6 inch sparkly stiletto heels, I do like leading that kind of dance.
Feminization as Submission
I have found that feminization often increases submissive feelings and desires. I love a submissive sissy. Sissy play is so much fun. I do see a certain amount of brat play with sissies and I nip that in the bud because I want a truly submissive sissy.
Ms. Erika: There are so many ways to feel submissive and sissy play is one of them. Don’t be afraid to share some ideas. That’s what we’re here for, introducing you to new ways of feeling submissive. So if you’ve never thought of sissy play before… “You know you would absolutely love to play with my panties now, wouldn’t you darling?” I’ve never had a no on that one.
Ms. Olivia: Not even dipping into feminization or sissification, but simply putting a straight man in panties? That’s fucking hot and makes them so vulnerable. Whoa. Talk about bringing him to his knees.
Ms. Mandy: That is fucking hot. And if it is the first time he has ever put panties on, that’s fucking crazy hot.
Ms. Erika: I love breaking kinky cherries.
Ms. Olivia: Since we are talking about sissy play, I love sissy maid play. It is important for the sissy maid and other submissives to realize that yes, it is important to obey orders during a scene, but that some of Mistress’ orders will have nothing to do with sex. Maybe I want you to organize my boots or do laundry. There are all kinds of things she could tell you to do. Sissy maids are a full-service submissive.
We’re getting towards the end of the podcast and what I hear from you both is to reiterate that wanting and deserving respect is crucial. All during this entire podcast, it’s sort of a no brainer. A sex worker is a human being and a Mistress is a person first, a dominant second.
Some of the tips for what a submissive man needs to know do focus on the unpaid part of the relationship, but no matter the situation the fundamentals apply. Be a decent human being. Treat me decently. Have respect and we’ll get along fine.
Manners and the submissive
How important are good manners, common courtesy, respect to both of you?
Ms. Erika: It is very important. When communicating, I’m easygoing in general, especially outside of sessions, but don’t push it. Don’t all of a sudden think I need to spend all my time focusing on you. But don’t worry about making a mistake, either. If you come close to the line, I’ll say, “Darling, this is enough. I’m not going to be doing this and I’m not hating you. I’m not angry at you. How can you be held responsible for behavior you did not realize I dislike?”
For example, I detest when men call me sweetie. It just gives me the willies. I don’t know why. With that said, some ladies, especially older ladies call me sweetie and that’s fine. But I don’t want men calling me sweetie. So if you happen to go, “Oh, okay. Thanks, sweetie,” I’ll say to you, “Do me a favor. Don’t call me sweetie. Don’t do that again. It isn’t pleasant for me. No harm no foul.”
How can I hold you responsible for that word or your behavior if I haven’t told you what I need yet? How can you know? No harm, no foul and we move on.
Ms. Mandy: Absolutely. If someone doesn’t know, they don’t know and need to be told.
Respect, common courtesy, and good manners are all important. But at the end of the day, respect and my feeling that you do respect me is critically important.
You can ask anyone here at LDW or in my non-LDW world about me and they will say, “Mandy’s kind, she’s sweet, and very nurturing. I feel that’s all true, but I will tell you right now that if you don’t show me respect, you’re done. There is no negotiation. You’re done. Yes, I might give you another chance, that’s a possibility, but if I feel that disrespect coming again? Bye.
Ms. Erika: Good point regarding disrespect. With disrespect, I’ll deal with it, I’ll give you another chance. If you betray me in any way we’re done, don’t even ask. You are like the trash to me. How many times do you go out to the trash, root around in it and bring something back in the house? Never. Once I put the trash out, you’re done. Sorry. Move on.
Ms. Olivia: Most of us have given multiple chances to callers, including you both, so I don’t want people to think they need to walk on eggshells with us. That is not what we are communicating here.
I want to give an example. There was a guy who was unhappy with a call and wanted some financial reimbursement. He was well within his rights to do so, but I explained it would put a black mark on LDW Group’s business record. I asked him not to do it, that I would give him 5 free minutes and he would also have the reimbursement, just not immediately. He said he wanted to do the action immediately anyway. His refund was $3.23 and it did impact LDW.
When he came to me the next time asking if I had time for him, I did not. That experience completely changed how I looked and felt about him. I wondered why, why you would want the person playing with your dick and balls to be mad at you. Why?
Ms. Erika: Or disappointed!
I give a lot of chances. I’m very patient with lots of different types of personalities, but once you lose my respect, once you betray me, I no longer trust you. Betray is a big word, I know that.
I once had someone try to call me out on my blog for not being at their beck and call even though they were not having sessions with me. I calmly explained that I was busy and if he wanted my undivided attention, he knew how to get it… by having a session. I could not put down my other responsibilities and he thought it was appropriate to disparage me on my blog. You know what happened? He was blocked and banned, yet he keeps coming back begging for sessions. I told him, “You betrayed me. I no longer trust you.” That is paramount.
Up until that point, I’m very, very patient, but cross that line, and you know that line, I’ve told you several times, “Here’s the line. Don’t cross it. Don’t cross it.” As soon as you cross it, you are saying to me, “I do not respect you. I need to run my own agenda regardless of you.” I reply, “Thanks for telling me that,” and I put out the trash.
Ms. Olivia: Maya Angelou, who is one of my favorite writers, said, “Once someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
People ask me, “Why do you do these super long calls with people?” My answer is “Because I’ve fired all the jerks and energy vampires.” I don’t do calls with them. So that frees me up to have a really good time with people I thoroughly enjoy.
Ms. Mandy: And for sure enjoy you!
Final thoughts and questions for listeners
Ms. Olivia: So final thoughts about what a submissive man needs to know.
Ms. Erika: Have fun. Enjoy. Communicate.
Ms. Mandy: So true, Erika. I want to add, we only go around one time. We only live once, so have fun.
And one last time, I will add keys to a great submissive relationship with a Mistress are trust, respect, communication, taking risks, and being vulnerable.
Ms. Olivia: We’ve talked about in session and out of session. We don’t mind if you contact us out of session, remembering that what you get in the session will be different than out of session. Be respectful, but feel free to contact us.
My email is Olivia@EnchantrixEmpire.com.
My blog is Experienced Mistress
My Twitter is @MistressOlivia1
Speaking of Twitter, Erika is the bomb on Twitter. Her tweets are so much fun. If you are on Twitter at all, follow her. She has great boob pictures.
Ms. Erika: I like to put up The Daily Tease every morning.
My email address is Erika@EnchantrixEmpire.com.
My Twitter is @ErikaEnchantrix
and my blog is Intelligent Phone Fantasy
Ms. Mandy: My email is Mandy@EnchantrixEmpire.com.
I don’t have a Twitter account.
My blog is Intelligent Phone Fantasies
Ms. Olivia: We’re going to work on getting Mandy on Twitter, if for nothing else, Erika’s “Good morning!” boobs and asses. Humor. It’s just fucking wonderful.
We always end with questions for the listeners. Email or tweet your answer. Or, you can put it in the comments right here on the blog.
I want to know from listeners, what do you think makes a good submissive?
Ms. Erika: I have a question and a task for our listeners. Have you ever taken the time to look over a Mistress’ profile and not just her picture? Have you looked for your specific kink as you look through her blog? You will get great insight into that Mistress.
Your assignment is to email Ms. Mandy or leave a comment on this blog or post and say, “Please, Goddess Mandy… please join Twitter!”
Ms. Mandy: My question for you all is what qualities do you look for and desire most in your Mistress or a Goddess?
Ms. Olivia: It’s okay if you are just looking for body parts. We won’t slut-shame you if you say, “I’m just looking for boobs,” or “I’m just looking for ass.” It’s all okay.
Finally another assignment beyond the Mandy-get-on-Twitter assignment.
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Mandy, this was so much fun to have you here. We are going to have you back to do that Switch podcast. That’s going to be interesting and very fun.
Ms. Mandy: I’m excited already.
Ms. Olivia: Mandy, get down on your knees. Suck my toes, come up my legs, suck my… oh, no. Wait a minute. Mandy also switches for a woman. She knows I like to be topped by a woman. Not switching, but I’m cool playing the bottom.
I don’t want to take us on a whole new excursion because you know I will, ladies.
Ms. Erika: Veer right off the highway.
Ms. Olivia: Thank you Erika and Mandy.
Ms. Mandy: Thank you. This was so much fun.
Ms. Olivia: And thank you to our listeners. We will see you next time. Stay sexy. Bye!